Q My nine-year-old girl is generally a happy child, though sometimes prone to being a little anxious and shy. She has always been a bit nervous of dogs; I think it started years ago when a friendly dog jumped up and licked her. We thought she would grow out of it but, if anything, it has got worse. Now she avoids doing things where she thinks a dog might be around. For example, she will avoid doing sports she likes or even going on a family walk because she thinks a dog might be there, although she often doesn't admit this. When can we do to help her?
A Specific childhood fears about new situations or dogs are a very normal part of growing up. However, in some situations these fears become more fixed and lead to children missing out or avoiding important things in their lives. In your case, your daughter has developed a specific fear or phobia of dogs and this is becoming more problematic. In this situation it is important to help her directly confront and overcome her fear. Below are some ideas that might help.
Help your daughter talk about her fears
Although your daughter may be a little embarrassed or find it hard to talk about her fears, it can help if you are really understanding and accepting. Compassionately name and acknowledge what might be going on for her: “I know you might be a little bit nervous of dogs. That’s okay; lots of children feel that way. What do you think might happen if you were out and we met a dog?”
Help your daughter make a decision to tackle her fears
“I know how much you like our family walks or doing sports, and it is a shame that the fear gets in the way of that. Would you like to manage these fears better so you can do the things you enjoy?”
Tackle the fears step by step
You want your daughter to learn, step by step, not to avoid the things she fears, starting with the smallest step first. For example, you might start with looking at pictures of dogs together and discussing her fears, and then move on to going for a short walk together and then learning to tolerate walking with a dog in the distance and, in the future, approaching a known friendly dog to pet him. The key is to go at her pace.
Coach your daughter in managing her fear
Whatever step you are on, help your daughter notice the fearful thoughts in her mind (for example, the dog might bite her) and the feelings in her body (for example, butterflies in her tummy). This allows her to detach from her thoughts and to see how the bodily symptoms simply pass over time.
Finally, encourage her success by going at her pace and praising any steps she makes. Seek help from a child mental health professional if problems persist.
Q My three-year-old son becomes very frightened of big-headed characters such as Mickey Mouse or even Santa, who he would not approach last year. This can lead to him throwing big meltdowns, and we are not sure how to respond. A few weeks ago we were at Tayto Park and he went ballistic at the sight of Mr Tayto. He would not settle, and even though we moved away from the character he kept saying he wanted to go home. In the end we had to leave early without saying goodbye to our friends. He settled down once we left. Should we stick it out when he is fearful like this, or do we have to leave, even though this is really disruptive to the family?
A Though Santa and My Tayto are meant to be fun characters for children, they frequently invoke anxiety in preschool children, especially when adults make a fuss or if there is pressure to engage with the character. Also, while you can reason with an older child, it is hard to do this with a preschooler. Your question about whether you should leave the situation or stick it out when he is fearful is an important one, and the answer is: It depends.
If your son has become very distressed or overwhelmed by his anxiety, then it is probably best to leave as it will be too difficult to reassure him. In leaving, the key is to do this in a way that is least disruptive to the family. For example, you might simply take a break and pull back from the situation and maybe go back later, when the character is gone; or one parent might take him out for a break and the other parent continue on the trip with the other children.
However, it is also sometimes best to help your son stick it out and learn to get through a bout of anxiety. This is especially the case in the early stages of an anxiety attack, when you have an opportunity to coach, reassure and distract him. For example, you might notice him getting a little anxious with a character in the distance and you would then hold him close and say, “Look at Mr N in the distance; he looks funny.” The key is to reassure your child that he won’t be pushed: “We will only go as close as you want to”; and to distract them with non-threatening details: “Look at his funny yellow head and his smiley eyes.” A reassuring voice, holding him close and a lot of patience can also help.
It is also important to remember that childhood fears change quickly for preschool children. For example, though he is fearful of large-headed characters now, he could move on from this in a few months. For this reason, it is sometimes best to anticipate and avoid the fearful situations in the short term and to try them gradually again in a few months.
