Is “w**ker” a word that comes to your mind when you think of a student of Trinity College Dublin? On Wednesday evening, this was the tongue-in-cheek topic of debate at Trinity’s Hist – or Historical Society, to give it the formal name. It was a big week for the 253-year-old Hist, which, on Monday, was formally recognised by the Guinness World Records as being the world’s oldest college society.
This House Would Be A Trinity W**ker was the first debate to take place after the Guinness gong and the college’s Graduate Memorial Building was jammed for the predictably rowdy occasion, with some 200 people in attendance.
First up to speak for the proposition was Brian Lennon. For those who have never been to a Hist debate, there are four speakers for each side of the debate. All eight sit around a large oak table, possibly also 253 years old, and at one end sits the auditor (Áine Kennedy) in a chair that looks remarkably like a carved wooden throne. A bell rings at intervals to signal the speaker’s allocated time of seven minutes is coming to an end. Most speakers talk with the equivalent speed of a Grand National racehorse in motion so they can squash more words into their time.
Lennon: “One may see a Trinity W**ker lounging outside the arts block, tote bag sprawled on the grass, a book they will never read inside.” Cue knowing howls from audience. He continued, “Not to get all political here but if there is a harmful Trinity w**kery, it really doesn’t come down to an individual being slightly pretentious. It comes down to things like the college raising rent for Trinity accommodation by the maximum legal amount and then declaring it ‘modest’.” Cue much stamping of feet.
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Anna Kollar, for the opposition, went all Shakespearean. “To be a Trinity W**ker, or not to be, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to shut up about your summer trip to Berlin, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune – owning property in Ranelagh.” (The south Dublin village was mentioned by at least three of the debaters during the evening, being apparently the most Trinity w**kerish place to reside in the capital.)
Theo Puech (proposition): “Why be a Trinity W**ker? Well. They tend to be very successful. We all hate to see it, we do, but it’s the truth. In every sphere. Take politics. The pipeline of Trinity W**ker to Dáil W**ker is too real. And there’s a lot of w**kers in the Dáil. You want to know the most w**kery job? Senator. You do nothing. You’re elected by either Oireachtas members or Trinity graduates – so w**kers either way, basically, and then you just chill out for five years. For 70 grand a year? That’s what I’d call cushy.”
Canice Ryan (opposition): “The Trinity W**ker is many different people. It’s the techno snobs; it’s the people who treat the Arts Block like a catwalk; it’s the self-professed communist whose dad is an investment banker. But, ultimately, it comes down to one thing – falsifying yourself. I was at a party recently when I was introduced to a young lady from the depths of south Dublin. I told her I was from a farm in Tipperary, when she immediately responded with disgust: ‘Oh my god, why are you here then?’” Cue knowing roars and more feet stamping.
“Immediately, I thought this would be great material for my debate but in that moment, I also realised that clearly the goal of many people in this university is not to learn something but to become someone. Like a Trinity W**ker.”
James Ryan (proposition): “Trinity breeds independent thinkers. Nothing says unique like a pair of Dr Martens, baggy jeans and a Shakespeare and Co tote bag.” Feet in Dr Martens stamped to acknowledged their uniqueness. “Trinity has some of the best acronyms going. BESS [Business, Economics and Social Studies], or to refer to it by its full title, ‘Blokes Enforcing Social Structures’; MSISS [Management Science and Information Systems Studies], ‘Many Socially Inept South Siders’.”
Among all the banter, and the jokes of varying degrees of humour and the knowing references to college in-jokes, were some straightforward acknowledgments of the advantages of being a student at Ireland’s oldest university. “Understand your privilege and be reflexive about it because we are afforded the luxury of having the opportunity of getting a degree,” as Anna Kollár noted at the end of her speech.
For the record, the nays to the motion carried the vote.
