‘Is it worth taking my family to see a grandad who is only sort of interested in seeing them?’

Question

My Mum died close to Christmas two years ago now. We had not been in contact for a lot of years as she disapproved so much of my partner that I cut off ties.

When she was dying, I came home for Christmas, and we managed to at least say goodbye and I am grateful for that. My Dad always let her take the lead, so he never fought to have me home and, now that she has died, he is passive on whether I come home or not and I’m finding that I am increasingly angry at him.

This time of year is the only one where there is a forced reconnecting as all the rest of my siblings and their families visit our original home and if I do not turn up then it will be assumed that again I’m the black sheep. My partner is tolerated by my siblings and our children are strangers as they have not had much contact during the years of my absence. Is it really worth the effort of uprooting them and taking them to see a grandad who is only sort of interested in seeing them?

I am afraid that I am denying them of their heritage and of their relations, but the cost of this is very high. My partner’s parents love our kids, and they will have us any time, but I’ve always felt the loss of my side of the family but is there simply too big a void to bridge?

Answer

Yours is a difficult situation and it is likely that you are suffering complicated grief from years of estrangement, albeit there was a short period of communication before your mum died.

It is no wonder that you have conflicting emotions and are struggling with where you fit in the family. It is not only your mother who felt your absence from the family, but your dad and siblings too, so there may be lots of unspoken feelings about this. Your family may need you to demonstrate your willingness to repair the breach before they invest in you again. This is not to give less credence to why you instigated the estrangement, but your family may have felt abandoned and rejected over the years and require some evidence of your intention to stay connected this time around.

If you are invested in the connection, you will need to keep turning up so that there is a build-up of evidence that your intentions are genuine. However, it may be that there are a lot of underlying issues in the family that need to be brought to the surface, and this might require professional help. You cannot make anyone attend this type of support, but it might indicate your seriousness if you organise a session where everyone is invited. A family therapist is best placed to offer these sessions and perhaps more sessions could be offered online after you return home after Christmas.

[ I absolutely dread going to my husband’s parents’ home for ChristmasOpens in new window ]

A break in relationships, such as happened in your family, is very serious and not only for the current members of the family, as these kind of schisms tend to repeat down the generations. All the children of your generation need to see reconciliation and recovery as part of the fabric of their lives and this will only happen if it is demonstrated by the adults.

You question whether it is worth it? It takes enormous effort not to speak to someone; you have to constantly remind yourself what it is that they have done and why they caused you hurt. If you drop your reminders, even for a moment, you will end up speaking to them.

In some sense, you have to keep the past events constantly in mind to maintain the division. Think of the cost of this to you. You can only raise this huge effort for someone you care about. The issue can only be resolved if one person is willing to engage and shows that it is important, and they care about it.

‘As with all relationships, if you invest in them with time and effort, they deepen and grow’

You have first-hand knowledge of what family estrangement does to a person, you know how hard it is to maintain the division and you also know what your children are being deprived of. Take the initiative that you have started since your mum’s death and follow through with determination that reconciliation is possible. As with all relationships, if you invest in them with time and effort, they deepen and grow.

Your family is worth your effort and your children will (over time) connect with their heritage and gain cousins and culture that they have been missing.