‘I think my two friends – who are both married – are in love with each other’

Question

I am in a difficult situation based on friends confiding in me. Both friends are married and I am a mutual friend to each, in different ways.

One is a man and one is a woman and I have known both for many years. These two people have known each other for many years also and have become close, having always had a ‘soft spot’ for each other.

Both have confided in me, separately and privately, about their respective marriages and both seem unhappy and unfulfilled in life, from what they have said. They both want the same things out of life and have similar life goals for their remaining years.

Each does not know that the other confided in me.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

However, from my perspective, I know they both have strong feelings for each other. Children are not an issue as they are grown up and moved out from their respective homes.

My problem is that I think, from what they said, that they are both in love with each other and have been for a long time, despite them trying to deny their feelings for each other because of their spouses. They are both good people who would not intentionally hurt their spouses.

My question is, should I tell each of them that the other person has feelings for them or let them figure it out for themselves? I don’t want to interfere, but, as both are close friends of mine, I would dearly love for both of them to be finally truly happy and not miss the chance of a fantastic life together, when they are so well suited.

Should I do anything or leave it alone?

Answer

I assume from your letter that both of your friends are aware of the close friendship you have with the other, and if this is the case, they may be trying to suss out (via you) what the position of the other is.

This is much as teens do when they fancy someone but do not want to risk rejection or humiliation by exposing their desire directly to the person in question. As you clearly have huge affection and care for both your friends, it may feel natural that you should connect them up but taking action on their marriages and on their future liaisons must rest with them.

If they lack the courage or impetus to declare themselves with the other, perhaps there are good reasons for this – their marriages may be complex and deeper than what you are hearing and perhaps they are using discussions with you to help them figure out what is important.

While their children have left home, their need for a stable home environment is not to be discounted and undoubtedly your friends are factoring this into any future plans they might have. So, you find yourself in a complicated three-way friendship where you are the holder of all the secrets and you feel responsible for the future happiness of your friends.

This is not tenable as you are a friend, and not a counsellor or adviser, so one possibility is that you suggest to each that they find professional help with their respective situations.

Firstly, they need to address their primary relationships and decide if they need support to improve or leave these. As a friend you can be a sounding board but you cannot make the decision for them.

Also, you may end up carrying too much information from one friend that you cannot share with the other, so perhaps it is time to come clean with both friends. You could tell them that as a close person to both, you now have to put some boundaries on what you are being told so that you are not influencing an outcome.

[ ‘I have given up going to the gym because of my clingy boyfriend’Opens in new window ]

If you are to be comfortable with a little more distance, you may need to know that they are discussing their issues with someone else (counsellor, mediator, trusted relative, etc) so that you can put your worries down.

You may also need some support to remove yourself somewhat from this intense and intriguing situation, and therefore may need to occupy yourself more with other things.

If your friends are to find their way towards each other, they need to do this with full consciousness and take full responsibility for their actions. Directing them both towards appropriate professional support will allow you to maintain friendship without feeling a player in their future decisions.

However, this will be difficult for you so make sure that you have an otherwise rich life yourself.