Girls keep telling me by message that they want to stop dating me

Question

I’ve done a lot of dating over the past number of years in the hope of finding someone to settle down with. For the record, I only ever date one girl at a time and only move on to the next girl after things have ended with the previous one I’ve been dating.

I always manage to attract really attractive girls – many of whom I really connect with and get to know. That said, I experience the same recurring problem. Each of these girls sends me a message saying they no longer want to continue dating me. None of these girls have ever given me feedback to say why they’re calling things off. None of them have ever said to me while I’ve been dating them that there’s something they don’t like about me or that they’re unhappy with. Things go from one extreme to another.

Another issue within this is that some girls say, “Look, not for now but there’s definitely something between us and maybe down the line we’ll get back together.” This to me sounds like, “I think I can do better so I’ll go off and see how that goes and if it doesn’t work, you’ll do.”

I’ve been in situations where I would have expected things to naturally progress on to being in a relationship, but then I get an unexpected message calling things off and that’s that. These experiences have made me cynical, but they also hurt because I’ve put time into getting to know them, connecting with them and enjoying spending time with them.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

I’m looking for some advice on where you think I might be going wrong and what changes I can make to change this situation.

Answer

It is great you are looking to yourself to find what might be amiss or what is contributing to the (seemingly) abrupt endings to your relationships. However, there is also the possibility you are repeatedly choosing partners who are not worthy of you; one thing that points to this is the manner in which relationships are ending: with messages.

Sending someone a message to end a relationship is immature and allows for no reflection or growth for either party. The reason most people text instead of speaking or meeting in person is fear – possibly fear of awkwardness or embarrassment – and this seems to be a common characteristic of your partners. You might consider where you are seeking relationships and the pattern you are drawn to, as it is not providing you with the right kind of dating experience.

[ ‘My cousin won’t end his marriage and formalise his relationship with his lover of 15 years’Opens in new window ]

Of course, there is a great opportunity to investigate yourself and your part in these failures. There are some immediate steps you can take.

Ask your friends or close relatives for feedback. How do they see your choices, behaviour and connection in relationships? Can they offer you insight into what they see happening when you date?

A good starting place for your own reflection is how you engage in friendships. Do you choose people who are kind and loyal to you? Are they invested in the friendship and do your friendships last over time?

If the answer to these questions is yes, then you might begin to look at what attracts you and challenge that. However, if your friendships are also fleeting and unsatisfactory, some further investigation needs to be done. Friendships require regular attention, genuine interest in the other, shared experiences and a willingness to engage on difficult issues. If the last of these is not part of the relationship, it’s more of an acquaintanceship that is in place, which is fine as long as there is some core group of closer friends. Your dates do not seem to have the willingness to speak to you about why they end the relationship. Perhaps the relationship was always on the surface?

[ ‘I’m in my late 30s, have a good job and travel a lot. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love’Opens in new window ]

This may be due to a fear that if you challenge or go deeper, the relationship will end and you will be bereft and further hurt. But there is not much point to an ongoing relationship unless it is deep and robust, so vulnerability is an essential part of relationship growth. Your hurt might lead you to self-protection, and this in turn will lead to even more surface relationships and so the pattern continues. You say you date attractive people, and it is great this chemistry works but attraction is more than physical, and confidence is one of our most attractive qualities.

A confident person will have the courage to offer feedback, take some challenge from you and not run at the first hurdle. So work on your own confidence, be happy in your own skin, require that your partners treat you well and challenge your fear of being rejected. Choose your partners well: date those who are kind, who demonstrate an interest in you and who are brave enough to be honest.

You might read How Confidence Works by Ian Robertson.