‘My cousin won’t end his marriage and formalise his relationship with his lover of 15 years’

Question

My cousin has been living in a kind of “Irish divorce” of olden times in that he is not living with his wife, but they still do family events together. They go to graduations, weddings, funerals and so on together, but in effect they have not been a couple for almost 20 years.

He met a gorgeous woman while we were on holidays in the west of Ireland about 15 years ago and has been in a relationship with her since. My cousin is always organising trips (including me) so that he can spend time with this woman, and I know he is helping her financially. He has met most of her family, and at this stage I know many of them as well and we are an accepted part of the community in her part of the country.

As a woman I can identify with his paramour, as I too have had the experience of not being loved enough. My cousin simply won’t end the marriage to his wife and formalise his relationship. I ended my own long-term relationship, of 10 years, when my partner had an affair and did not fight to keep us together. I did not have any children as my relationship was not secure enough, and I think that my cousin has inflicted the same situation on his lover but does not take responsibility for this.

Recently my cousin has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and, while the prognosis seems good, I am worried that if something happens to him, his lover will be left with nothing – no financial support or position. I know she is becoming hopeless that she will have no access to him if he gets sick, but I feel that what he is doing (or rather not doing) is really wrong. I want to tackle him on this, but am worried that I am being overdramatic.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

Answer

Your sense of justice is heightened because of what you feel complicit in – that your cousin is “having his cake and eating it”. He has many of the benefits of married life and also a lover with no strings attached. This is, no doubt, not the whole story, and he too suffers from having a divided life, but your question about whether you should tackle him is central to your relationship with him.

It sounds as though you have a long and trusting relationship with your cousin, and it would seem that it can withstand some challenge or difficulty.

How would you feel if your cousin questioned some part of your life? Would you allow it as part of his friendship and care of you?

You write very clearly of the wrong you see happening, and the urge to speak must be ever-present, so what stops you? What is it you fear?

You have been through a serious break-up and so you know the pain of separation and abandonment. Is the memory of this playing a role in your trying to keep the peace and the friendship intact?

If fear is a factor in your communication with your cousin, then perhaps it is also present in the communication between him and his lover. She too seems to be stuck in a type of limbo, hoping for some morsel of recognition or commitment. However, she is an adult with family and community around her, so she may not need your assistance, and you cannot assume anything without her asking for support.

[ ‘I don’t love my husband. I care for him and don’t wish him ill health, but I’m struggling’Opens in new window ]

The risk you take in engaging your cousin in an honest and direct conversation is that he will cut off all contact with you, but this is a man who has managed not to cut off contact with anyone, so perhaps this is not as risky as you might think. Also, you have a history of staying in uncomfortable situations (10 years in a dying relationship) too long, and this pattern needs to be changed urgently. Ultimately, you can express your concerns at your cousin’s behaviour, but the only part you get to decide is whether you continue to support him (emotionally) or not. Your principles and values are telling you to take a stand, and now you get to find out how real or flimsy these are for you.

Perhaps you can demand for yourself what you wish your cousin’s lover might require for herself: respect and loyalty. These characteristics are the cornerstone of all friendships, and good relationships, and if they are non-existent, the relationship is not robust and might need to be let go of.

By your actions of speaking up and challenging, you might show your cousin’s lover that it is okay to require dignity and respect, and your cousin might be jolted into seeing the effect of his behaviour and take steps to remedy it.