‘Am I crazy to think my partner secretly wants to get back with his wife?’

Question

I have been in a relationship with a man for the past seven years and I feel that we are in constant stalemate. He was previously married, for 15 years, and has three children by his first wife.

I don’t know why I am saying “first” wife as they have not divorced and I am beginning to lose hope. She cheated on him, and her lover moved into the family home for a long time, but that too broke up and she is now on her own with the teenage kids.

My partner does not bring me to any of the kids’ events and, at first, I was relieved not to have anything to do with them, but now it feels like I am not important enough in his life. He goes to all the school meetings and to the sports events, and I know that he is meeting her there.

Am I crazy to think he secretly wants to get back with this wife?

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

I have met some of his family, but I’m not close with any of them and I think they disapprove of the age difference between us – I am almost 10 years younger than him. I have invested some of the best years of my life with this man, and I’ve given up on having children of my own because he said he did not want any more. I want to be central to his life but every time I bring it up, he fobs me off.

My friends mostly live abroad and none of them are in stable relationships, so they are not that supportive and tell me to leave him. I love him and really want to grow old with him so feel that I have no option but to hope that he’ll see sense and ask me to marry him.

Answer

Seven years is a long time to be in an undefined relationship, and from what you say there is no sign that the situation is going to change. Particularly disturbing is your lack of involvement in your partner’s children’s lives, as this shows how compartmentalised he has made his life.

You say that you love him, and this is no doubt the main reason you have stayed in such an uncomfortable situation for so long; however, the effect on you of being somewhat sidelined is intense and negative.

What we expect from our primary relationships is to feel secure in the knowledge of our importance – that is, that we are number one in the list of priorities in our loved one’s life. You do not have this but neither do you have another crucial factor: kindness. Your partner is not being kind to you by partitioning you off into a section of his life, and presumably you have asked to be more central and for your position to be made official.

[ ‘I’ve been blind to the fact that my partner is actually married to his mother’Opens in new window ]

In order to make an informed decision, we need two things, information and experience, and after seven years you have ample amounts of both. Putting off making a decision for another few years is unlikely to improve the outcome, so now is the time to muster your courage and face the reality of this relationship. You have outlined all the information that you need, and your experience has told you that the habit of so many years is set and its effect on you is soul destroying. When we are not listened to for a period of time, our confidence suffers, and you have not been heard or been validated for years, so the assumption is that your self-worth has taken a huge hit.

This can result in a struggle to believe enough in yourself to act with decisiveness or faith that you can do better, and so lethargy sets in. You need to invest in your own self-worth and confidence – perhaps take some time to visit those friends who are living successfully without partners, listen to their concerns for you and allow their care for you to sink in, as this may help to break the cycle of stasis in your relationship.

Check if your work allows sabbaticals, or unpaid leave. If your partner reacts by inviting you back into the relationship, be clear that the only way back is divorce followed by marriage, as you have said that this is what you want. You will need support to maintain this stance, so make sure you have backup plans so you don’t slide back into familiar territory. Any action you take will contribute to your self-confidence, and with time your sense of self will grow so that you are happy to make demands for yourself. Loving someone does not mean you are blind to their faults or that you have to sacrifice your life for theirs.

Your life is the one that needs your energy, attention and devotion, so prioritise it now.