‘My husband is obsessed with exercise and sports ... it feels a bit like an affair’

Question

I would like to know if other people share my problem – my husband is obsessed with exercise and sports.

It has been wretched in our family as the children’s father (we have three) always chooses exercise over them. He would rather leave the house for a run, cycle or swim than spend time with us and they really notice it. He is also involved in clubs, and I know he gets great recognition and appreciation from his work on committees and spends a lot of time organising events. I thought that he might volunteer to coach at the kids’ clubs but so far this has not happened.

His club activity means that, at least three times a week, he is missing for at least five hours, and this means that I am left organising the kids over the weekends and also most evenings.

I have tried talking to him, but he says that I am lucky that he is not in the pub or having an affair, but honestly it feels a bit like an affair and I’m feeling rejected and unattractive. I know I am becoming resentful and maybe it’s true that I’m not good company any more. But if my life partner can’t go out for a meal or even coffee because he has to be up early or there is an event on, it makes me feel like a spare tyre in his life.

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

The kids have stopped asking their dad if he’ll be around at the weekend and this makes me very sad. It also makes me worry for the annual holiday when tensions might erupt and I don’t want that for the kids.

Answer

There may be many things at play here – a clash of family cultures, a serious relationship issue or/and a parenting problem. There are families where exercise and sports are a way or life and being part of these families mean that all the participants join in and support the club, etc.

This may have been your husband’s background but it may be very different from your upbringing and so you experience a clash or discordance in what it means to be loyal or embedded in your family. You write that you (and your children) feel abandoned and feel that you come in a poor second in your husband’s priorities and yet there may also be some part where he feels that his family has no appreciation of his talents and passions.

It seems that a lot might be achieved with good communication and some mutual understanding. Of course, this would mean that the resentments and rejections would need to be aired and listened to, and responses created in meaningful ways. From what you say, you and your husband will struggle with this as efforts to be heard by either of you have so far gone nowhere. You are clearly suffering so are motivated to try something different. Could you ask for some time together, get a babysitter and maybe meet up after one of his sports events? Instead of trying to push all the issues into one evening, maybe ask for his advice/suggestions for what might be a start in everyone in the family feeling supported. Be genuine in your listening and try not to counter any of his ideas with scepticism.

Perhaps attending some of your husband’s activities or seeing him perform on committees might help light the spark again

You might have to be upfront in saying that you will withhold any criticism and ask him if he can commit to staying for the whole conversation. If you both can agree to the above, then you might find at least one thing that you can talk about that will improve life for everyone. You are missing the romance of feeling attractive and wanted, and no doubt your husband might be feeling some of this too. The danger is that you feel vulnerable in saying this for fear of further rejection, but no relationship can deepen without vulnerability, so be brave and speak honestly about this.

If it is truthful that you want to be desired by your husband, then you might express your desire for him too, and this might create some real connection. It is worth doing this as you need to know if this relationship can uncover the potential it once had, and if it is salvageable. Perhaps attending some of your husband’s activities or seeing him perform on committees might help light the spark again and it might help him feel supported by you.

[ ‘My husband is obsessed with exercise and sports ... it feels a bit like an affair’Opens in new window ]

You are hurt by your husband’s seeming disregard for his children’s need of him and if you want to support change in this behaviour, you will need to encourage mutual interests – of which sports might be an obvious one to start with. The children will always need their father in their lives, so all the efforts you put in to consolidating their relationship will reap rewards, whether or not you benefit directly. The ask of you, that you reach out and initiate the effort needed for the benefit of the whole family, is huge; but without this very little might change, and this is not tenable for you.

As always, you will need to resource yourself for this endeavour, confide in a good friend who will not try to influence you too much, take breaks and invest in your own wellbeing.