Question
I feel that all the things in this world that used to prop me up have fallen away. I separated from my partner earlier this year and it was, and is, very painful. The person who picked me up and got me through the earlier part of this has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I’m devastated for them, but I also feel like I’ve been abandoned for the second time. They were it, the totality of my network, and now I’m alone.
To explain: my friend who is ill has known me all my life as we lived almost next door to each other, we went through school and have stayed together and were kind of planning what we might do when we retire; go on the train for lunch and finally go to plays and musicals.
It wasn’t enmeshed, we both had partners, and she has three kids who are now all adults and living their own lives. I don’t think I knew how much I depended on her until the last month, when I realised that there is no one else who really knows me. My partner works in the same organisation as me and since we’ve separated, I’ve been counting down the days to retirement – 1½ years to go. I keep hearing stories about him, and it makes me feel so very isolated and now my future looks empty and lonely too.
I can’t bear the idea of my friend dying and I would like to spend every evening with her, but, of course, her family are all around her now and she doesn’t need me. I feel a bit stupid that I did not see this coming, I should have invested more in friends, but it feels too late now. We did not have children and, honestly, I did not mind until now, as I see how my friend is surrounded by care and concern. No one will care about me. I know this is a very self-centred thing to write, but it’s true.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
Your loneliness is profound and is mixed with huge amounts of grief – grief over the ending of your lifelong relationship and grief at the serious illness of your friend. What you do know is that you have great capacity for human connection, as you have experienced it at least twice in your life and the reason you are hurting so much is that you know how vital this connection is for you.
While you are in the blackness of despair it is very hard to see a way out, or a way of having a good life again, but as impossible as it seems right now, things will improve. A year is a very short time in the recovery period of ending a significant relationship. You don’t say who wanted this to end but your retirement planning seems to suggest that you had plans and were looking forward to doing fun things so perhaps you were well on the road to getting over the end of one relationship when you got hit by your friend’s illness.
As always, when experiencing grief, we find that many of our past griefs or losses come to the surface and it can feel quite selfish to focus on ourselves when a loved one is suffering, but this is entirely human. You write that you now realise that you should have invested in a wider social circle, and you castigate yourself for not having a circle of support. However, for you, one or two (friend and partner) people were enough and this is also true for many other people. You only come face to face with the fragility of such a situation when that person is no longer around. You know you do not need a lot of people around you to make you feel contented, but you do need to be fully understood by someone and this reality has to be faced.
For you to create a new friendship will take time, this includes genuine interest from you in the other person and a willingness on your part to be vulnerable. You might take some time to look at the people who are in your life and see if you like anyone enough to risk getting closer to them. No doubt there are people at work you have a connection with and you might consider how to increase this connection – is there a social club, a book or exercise club, or any kind of volunteer group that you could give time to? It’s a start and you have to start somewhere.
The luck of having had a friend who has known you since childhood is not likely to be replicated, but deep friendships can be formed at any age if you are willing to engage. Your friend’s family sound wonderful so they should welcome you as someone who shares their love and fear, so don’t back off but share with them, in a real but considerate way, your sorrow and sadness. Such sharing is what brings people together and it will not only help with your grief but will also point the way to creating other deep connections. Similarly, you are not the only one in your workplace who has experienced rejection and separation, so maybe there are colleagues you can ask about how they found a way of living happily after such an event.
This will open you up to the wisdom and life experience of others and in this way you will find your way into a world where you are understood and cared for.
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