I’ve moved back to Ireland, having spent a good few years living abroad, and I am very frustrated with my friend group. When I moved away, I felt I was on the verge of becoming alcoholic, so I was determined that I would change my life, and I did. I lived in a place where everyone is interested in a healthy lifestyle, and it was normal not to have alcohol in every social setting. I found that after a couple of years, I could enjoy a drink for what it was and not feel that it was a prelude to anything. I felt healthy and began to look good again – I have to say I liked this.
I’ve come home in the past year to be nearer my family and my parents, who are about to retire, but I am really struggling with the drink culture among my friends. Everyone is getting married and there is a huge round of hen parties and events with copious amounts of alcohol and I don’t know how to get out of the cycle. I really like my friends, but I think they will see it as a judgment if I don’t join them in binge sessions and I also don’t want to be alone and considered a boring sod.
This is really causing me a lot of distress. My family tell me to go and make new friends, but it is not easy at my age (mid-30s) and I’ve had to put so much effort into this when I was abroad that I don’t want to do it again. I can feel the pull of the drink again, too. I know I like it too much, and my friends tell me how much craic I am with a few on me.
There is also someone I fancy in the wider circle, and I don’t want to lose the chance of connecting up by opting out of things, but would he like the me with drink?
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Perhaps the real question is: do you like you with drink? It sounds from your letter that you really don’t, and maybe it is time to stand up for that. Real friendship happens when some level of difficulty is faced with honesty and people still turn up for each other. Have you been honest about your past difficulty with alcohol with at least some of your group?
Ideally you could tell them and get their support. There are a number of outcomes possible. You might find that you are putting into action what many of the group are already thinking (this often happens in groups) and there might be a collective sigh of relief. However, many people are very attached to their drinking habits so it could also happen that some will strongly resist any curtailing of their habit and so might push you out of the group, but even in this situation some of your friends will likely agree with you and the result might be some kind of division. The danger is that you might feel responsible for this, but it the chances are that change is happening anyway (mid-thirties is when people settle down) and you are only the messenger.
You can be very proud of managing to change your drinking habit previously, this is not an easy thing to do and you have discovered just how important community and environment are in facilitating this change. However, stepping out of the group norm requires courage and self-esteem and these are characteristics that are grown mostly through facing difficulties. Belief in your group and their capacity to care for you is also necessary but if this is not realistic you might need to heed your parents’ advice and look for alternative social circles.
There has been a slow and steady change in Ireland towards social events that are less focused on alcohol, so that there really are lots of alternative options available, from board game pubs to singles running clubs and late opening coffee shops. Perhaps you could initiate change by organising to meet for an activity and delay or shorten the time in the pub, then gradually implement a change.
[ My 40-year-old body is in a constant state of recovery from moderate drinkingOpens in new window ]
However, the main factors at play here are: the need for you to be honest with the group; the need to face the outcomes whatever they might be; trust yourself that with growing self-esteem and determination you will cope and if necessary find alternative friendship groups and hold your bottom line that you and alcohol need to have a very distant relationship. The question of the person you fancy is also worth giving attention to. With your newfound courage, you might just ask them for a coffee.
Of course, the risk is that they will say no, but the act of asking is contributing to your self-worth in that you are worth speaking up for. If the answer is yes, arrange to meet at events that are not just alcohol centred, this will allow you time to exercise good judgment in knowing if this is a potential partner for you or not. It’s time to put all your energy, intelligence and attention behind your life and its future direction.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
