Question
I’m very worried about my son and I don’t know where to turn. He is in his 20s now, but still lives like a teenager – staying in his room all the time and sometimes not coming down for meals or even for a walk. He has always been a gamer and I thought that playing video games was soothing for him. He reassured me that playing video games was a way of connecting for him and that he had lots of friends online, but it’s been getting steadily worse.
When he finished college, he told me that he was earning enough money from gaming-related activity and that I needn’t worry about him getting a job. I don’t know enough about this to judge, but to my mind he is not doing well. He is very secretive, and often angry for no apparent reason. He is also losing weight and rarely leaves his room. He orders food online and has it delivered and I know he sometimes does not eat it as I throw it out.
I think that he is worried about money as he has asked me for loans more and more often, and I want to support him, but am worried that he is gambling. He won’t talk to me and maybe that is because I’m frustrated and worried, so can come across as angry, but I really don’t know what to do now.
His father and I are separated, and I can’t force my son to see him any more, but I wonder if he needs a male role model in his life. He has an older sister who is happily living in Australia with her boyfriend, and I think they have very little contact.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
Gaming is a normal activity for many young people, but for a small cohort it can turn into harmful behaviour, especially if gambling is involved, and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders have recognised gaming disorder and internet gaming disorder in their recent classifications.
Gaming can become all-consuming with resultant loss of sense of time and poor self-care, and from what you say, your son appears to be in a situation where he is in need of help. The first thing to do is educate yourself and you can do this by visiting the Ygam website (ygam.org: Young Gamers and Gamblers education trust), looking up gamblingcare.ie or contacting the Irish national helpline on 1800 936 725. This will offer you a knowledge base on which to base your interventions.
What you want is for your son to access support services, but, for him to be open to this, you may need to try a non-confrontational approach, and this means that you have to manage your own frustration and fear so that it does not come across in your tone or attitude. You need to reassure yourself that recovery is possible, and that positive change can happen, so that this belief can transfer itself to your son when he needs it. One of the above agencies can give you referrals for either one-to-one or group support and this will keep you steady as you engage with helping your son deal with a possible addiction.
Another avenue you can try is your GP who can make a referral to an addiction centre. However, this may be a little down the line as the first step is gaining the trust of your son. When you are engaging with your son, try to focus the conversation on the behaviour and not on criticising him as a person. Attempt to be curious and empathetic. The first step is to understand what is going on. He may be going through a cycle of excitement, hopelessness and desperation and his efforts to sort out his finances may be an endless circle of hope, shame and guilt.
Gaming may have always provided him with a reprieve from life’s problems and it will take some time for replacements to become as useful for him. In order to emerge from his shame and guilt, he may need to realise that others suffer too but that there are pathways to recovery. You might tell him, once you have established some trust, that you have sourced some support for yourself and that it is confidential and helpful. Try not to oversell this but allow him time to see that it is really helping you and be open to discussion. This will require patience from you.
If he asks for another loan, you might check if there is an opening to see if he will come to a session with you, to help you both deal with the situation. It might be helpful for him to know that you can love and support him while being very worried about the behaviour cycle he is stuck in. Take any opportunity (including a crisis) to connect him to sources of help, and be patient and persistent in your engagement with him.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
