I’m worried about care for my parents. My plan has been to move to Australia next year and this has been in planning for a long time. My partner, who is from the UK, has been waiting for this to happen and we have sorted out jobs, an apartment and even a good social life. Many of my friends have moved to Australia and my partner’s dad already lives there, so we are set up for a good life.
But we have run into problems. My sister announced at Christmas that she is moving to Canada in April and this has taken away my parents' support system. I know I should not be too surprised, but now she is leaving before me and I feel left with all the responsibility.
My mum has always had mental health difficulties, and she suffers from chronic depression. I guess that my dad left it up to his two daughters to care for her, or at least organise the care for her, and now both of us will be gone and honestly, I don’t think he’ll cope. I feel resentful that I have spent my whole childhood parenting my mum and I was so looking forward to not having to do this. I’m angry at my sister, and I know this is unreasonable, but I feel she owes me as I’m the older one and I tried not to burden her too much growing up.
If I don’t go to Australia, I feel that my relationship will break up and my whole world and future will collapse.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
There will be many people reading this and recognising the bind that you are in. However, this situation might push you and your family to set up proper care of your mum so that both you and your sister can spend time out of the country.
The distance to Australia presents a problem in that it is not easy to return home if there is a crisis, but Irish people have managed this for generations and at least now there is instant communication if there is a crisis.
Your mum needs support, as does your dad, and there was always going to be a time when something other than family caring needed to be put into place. A crisis often focuses the mind, and while you and your sister are still together, perhaps you could both share the task of sourcing good care for your parents.
A good place to start is to ask your family GP for a consultation – you will need your parents’ permission (even attendance) for this to take place. The family GP should be aware of what is needed and can refer you as a family for consultations with a number of professionals: perhaps a family therapist could conduct family sessions and help problem solve with the whole family; the public health nurse could assist with check-ins; your dad might be assisted by a referral for psychological support and a social worker might be available to assist with general support for your mum. If you have good health insurance, your mum might have access to a range of supports, and respite care may even be an option.
You may feel that you have to choose between your relationship with your partner and your parents, but that is not fair on you, on them or on your family. Having you stay at home, full of resentment, will not serve your mum and it might lead to you becoming a bitter and unhappy person.
This is not to say that you relinquish all responsibility should you move to Australia – you can still take an active part in supporting your parents' needs via weekly calls and check ins. You can commit to coming home once a year, if finances and work allow , and your parents may find a way to visit you once you are settled. You and your sister can support each other, perhaps taking different times of the week to check in at home, and neither of you will feel overburdened or abandoned in this.
[ ‘I’ve been blind to the fact that my partner is actually married to his mother’Opens in new window ]
Your dad might rise to the challenge as he will not have his daughters to manage everything, and this might encourage his confidence and capacity to grow. He will need to be treated fully as a capable adult in all discussions about what will happen, so do not let your desire to protect him blind you to this possibility.
As an eldest child, you may have to let go your own pattern of sorting everything out and desist from problem solving for everyone. You need to prioritise your own relationship and give it a chance of success, while also continuing to be part of a family that has needs and difficulties. Use this crisis to involve all those who can assist with the overall care plan and push for a workable solution for everyone.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
