I am 38 and living at home. This is bad enough, but what is worse is that I feel I have such domineering parents that they are preventing me being an adult.
I was living away from home with a girlfriend for a couple of years and, at the time, it felt that my life was on a track to somewhere. But then it all fell apart. She left me, and I was a wreck for quite a while. I was unable to function at work and, eventually, lost my job and my friends all departed as I became more of a burden (and a drinker, if I’m honest). I had to move home, back into my bedroom, which still had my posters on the wall, and I probably went back to being a teenager.
Smoking dope gave me some peace, and I suppose I withdrew from life in general and I began to realise that this was a hole I could not get out of. My mother walked me to the family GP, and I’m on some medications and he referred me for therapy.
Of course, my parents are paying for this, and I think both my therapist and I feel that this is a bit queasy, but maybe better than nothing. We are working on some basic stuff, like getting out of bed at reasonable times, giving up smoking and preparing to look for a job. The problem is that I feel like a child most of the time, with my mother doing my washing and cooking my meals, so I’m not sure if this is the right direction for me. All my friends have their own families now and no one can spare time to go for a drink, or they are all into fitness and want to go running or go to the gym instead and this holds no attraction for me.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I feel left behind and think that there is no hope for me making an independent life in the world.
What is good is that you are going for therapy and are getting some direction out of it. You are not in a position to pay for it yourself and maybe you and your therapist could work towards you joining a therapy weekly group, that would not only be less costly but also offer you a group’s support and challenge.
You have clearly identified a problem – that of you feeling like a child – so this is where to start. If you felt more of an adult, you would begin to take some control over your life, but this comes with personal responsibility, so it is a challenge.
Your bedroom is still your teen-type den, so change it: move the bed, paint the walls and create a working desk from which you can apply for jobs or courses. Wear adult clothes every day and tell your Mum that you are doing your own washing and cleaning from now on. Work with your therapist to find the resources to cut down or cut out your weed habit and make a pact with yourself that you will not smoke in your room. This will cause a break in a teen habit that needs to be jettisoned. If you were living in shared accommodation, you would speak to your flatmates about rights and responsibilities so that fairness could prevail, so this conversation needs to be had with your parents – again use your therapist to help prepare you for this.
When someone is behaving in a childish manner, it draws out parenting in other people, so if you begin to behave in a more adult way, you might allow your parents to let go their hovering and instead see you as a separate adult. You will need to discuss money, and the beginnings of a new status could be that you insist on paying something towards your therapy – this could be in actual money from your social welfare, or it could be in payment in kind, such as gardening, DIY or cooking.
You might then use your therapy to help grow your confidence and see yourself as a worthwhile adult with decision-making powers. You could seek support from social welfare to get the “going back to education” allowance and if you select a course that interests you, it might be the beginning of a pathway to a type of work that meets your needs for both validation and income. All these suggestions are medium to long term but will offer you a future that sees you as someone with something to offer the world. You already have taken the first step by acknowledging the problems and by being help seeking. There is no doubt that you will need ongoing support, outside your family, so continue with your therapist and work towards a support system that you can sustain by yourself.
You can become more content with your life if you make small, steady and deliberate changes.
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