Question
I am a 50ish-year-old man with a problem to solve – my wife, who I love and adore, has emotionally abandoned our relationship. We have school-going children at different levels and she is the best mother I know. We both work in good jobs so we don’t have financial worries.
It’s just that every time I suggest we do something together I get told that my wife is too busy or tired. Any effort at affection is rebuffed in a jokey way, but it is clear that other than talking about our kids and her work she has no real interest in talking to me. We met late and I have always sensed that once children arrived she started to distance herself. I spend most of my life at home as I work from home and I coach our kids most evenings, but I am always clear that our marriage is more important.
I try to surprise her with gifts and to do as much housework as possible to lighten her load. My wife takes holidays regularly – most of which don’t involve me. I have always encouraged her in every way I can, including to get away with her friends, but now I find that she will find excuses to avoid spending time with me. Although I am in relatively good shape health and physical wise, I have a facial disfigurement from childhood. My wife’s coldness has brought back the self-consciousness I suffered from all my life until I married.
Now, unfortunately, I feel repulsed and repulsive.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
Your last sentence points to a very tough situation for you and perhaps the first thing you might consider is getting some psychological support for yourself. You are struggling with confidence, and this shows up in many parts of your letter. If you are to make some demands in your marriage, you will need to have courage and some self-belief.
Working from home means that you are not getting much feedback from mixing with others and it can lead to lots of inward thinking that carries a risk of self-criticism and in your case, possibly even self-loathing. You tell a story where you have a lot of credit on your side of the marriage, in the efforts you make for romance and connection, and in the work you do around the house, and you are clear that you are underappreciated.
[ My husband always wants dirty talk and I’m sick of itOpens in new window ]
However, there is no sense that you have rows or that you both are in any way willing or able to engage fully to address the distance between the two of you. One of the signs of a dying relationship is indifference, or the appearance of indifference, and the risk here is that if you challenge things, or say this is not good enough for you, the relationship may be exposed as terminal. However, continuing as is means that your sense of self continues to decline and the main ingredient running the relationship is fear (perhaps on both sides, you of further rejection, and your wife’s fear of conflict). The jokey manner in which your wife rebuffs your advances may indicate that there is no other attraction going on for her and that she is sensitive to your needs, so all may not be lost. But there is no sense in your letter of what might be going on for her and what her experiences of life might be and perhaps your high level of hurt makes this inquiry difficult for you, yet it is necessary.
It is difficult for you to take a step towards naming the problem when your confidence is so low, but this step is part of the process of recovering your self-esteem. Talking to a psychologist or psychotherapist will give you the practice of speaking truthfully, will help you gain insight into your motivations and may open up avenues for discussion with your wife.
Attraction is far less attached to looks than we imagine, you only have to think of how we choose friends to know it has to do with many things such as humour, kindness, loyalty and shared interests. The single most attractive feature in a person is their confidence which includes being happy in their skin and being outward looking.
Your history of worry about your facial appearance, and your isolation in working from home, all contribute to too much self-consciousness and this is taking its toll on you. Retreating further into yourself will offer you more of the same, so reaching out and making your world bigger in every way possible is what is needed. You already coach so is it possible to link in with some of the parents and create some social events, can you organise more in-person meetings at work and most of all, can you take the risk of starting a conversation with your wife?
Love stretches us, and your current stance of loving from a distance is designed to magnify the fragility you feel, both in yourself and in your relationship – you deserve better so begin taking actions now that increase your engagement with life, thus building your confidence.
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