Question
My husband is quite a controlling person and has a really nasty temper. When he gets stressed or rattled about something, he lashes out verbally at me. He rarely loses his temper with our children, who are now grown up, but in the past if they annoyed him, he would confront me. I got wise to this behaviour and refused to engage with it.
Since our youngest moved out, he has become much more volatile and aggressive towards me. I have been accused of having an affair. I am not. He tried to catch me out to see if I am lying to him and is quick to blame me when things aren’t to his liking.
I have tried over many years to talk to him and to understand his frustration, his fears and his concerns. Now I realise I cannot take any more of this and have spoken to him about it. I have urged him to visit the doctor and speak to him. I have asked him to seek therapy.
He admits (reluctantly) that he hates getting older, is afraid that I will leave him and that he has health concerns that cause him a lot of worry. These are non-life threatening.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
We are married 30 years. I have decided that I cannot change him, but feel sad that he is not invested in changing things to make my life better. I have moved into my daughter’s room and he hasn’t tried to discuss it, he seems to accept it.
The sad fact too is that we have had a great life together. I have managed his moods and I have worked hard to create a loving and supportive environment for us. It’s not enough now. I have given up because after 30 years, I realise I can’t face into retirement trying to make someone else happy.
I am not denied my freedom. I can go out with my friends. I can holiday alone. When I socialise with my husband, he prefers the two of us to be on our own. Unfortunately, now it looks as if I will have to leave my home and neighbourhood if I want to live in peace. I feel too young to spend the rest of my life with a man who talks to me about subjects of no interest to me and refuses to invest in making things better.
My son displays the same traits, and this really worries me. I want out of this marriage, but feel like I am trapped.
Answer
While you say you feel trapped, you seem remarkably clear about your situation and about how you have run out of reasons to stay in the marriage. Your husband is full of fear and uses you as a release valve, but seems unable or unwilling to do the development work on himself that would offer him relief from his fears and worries. You have offered him many opportunities and pathways towards self-development (GP, therapy, help seeking) but as you say, you cannot do the work for him and there was always going to be a moment when you would give up.
However, you assume that you are the one who should leave the house and the neighbourhood, and this might need some investigation. Mediation (see citizen’s advice for free couple mediation advice) offers you a process where consideration is given to all aspects of separation and a fair and agreed outcome is possible. Having an objective professional navigate your separation can challenge your couple communication patterns and also offer both of you an alternative way of thinking what a good outcome might be. You may even get to discuss the impact all of this is having on your son and your worries for his future life.
What is clear is that you have been at the receiving end of fear and control for almost 30 years and while there were many good times, you have now come to the realisation that there is nothing left to salvage, so pick up your courage, tell your husband that you are engaging a mediator and progress the separation.
Your son needs you to engage with him as he may well be suffering from similar fears to his father and he is young enough to address them and may be motivated by seeing how his father has struggled. You may want to consider others (possibly siblings) who may have influence with your son, as they may have access in a way that you don’t, so this is worth trying. Your son also has the benefit of being parented by you and thus may have capacity that his father lacks. There is a lot to be said for modelling decision making in order to enrich your life, and do not underestimate the effect this may have on those close to you.
Ultimately, you deserve a fulfilling, peaceful future.
Whatever decision you make, know that prioritising your wellbeing is not selfish – it’s essential.
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