Question
My issue is that I want to ask someone out at work, and I am terrified, with some justification, I think.
I work in a position of some responsibility, and supervise a team of people. The problem is that this person is on my team. I’ve been single forever and I honestly thought I had put all thoughts of romantic ideas to bed but I’m now being a bit ridiculous. I am planning what to wear a day in advance of work, I am obsessively looking at myself in the mirror and trying out lines when I am in the loo on my own. This is making me feel a bit mad but also very alive and tingly.
The person in question has caught me by surprise and my sense of attraction to them is almost overpowering. It’s not just physical, even though they are lovely to look at, it is also a sense I have that they really see me and even enjoy me. I’ve been trying to see if they act the same with everyone else and, while they are kind and considerate, I think they might like just me but, of course, I could be wrong. I’ve been trying to find out what their relationship status is, but they are not on social media and I’ve never heard them speak of a partner or family.
The object of my affection is not Irish so I’m also afraid of the cultural implications of asking him out – this might be considered strange in his country. However, one of my concerns, after the fear of rejection, is that my life at work might be hugely affected and I really love where I work and my career there.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
If it came to a choice between love and my career, I just might choose the latter. Can I have my cake and eat it?
Answer
Something has been switched on in you and that has to be a good thing, there is something about attraction and desire that pulls us out of our normal selves and gets us to feel an extraordinary level of aliveness. All this is great, but, as you have pointed out, the difficulty is that you are in a position of power over this person and any approach you make to them will be from this position.
Most organisations have rules about relationships that cross power boundaries, and this is for good reason, as bias, favouritism and harassment can result. Having romantic feelings for someone in the workplace is normal, as spending time with someone and working together can give rise to feelings of admiration and attraction. In situations where there are no hierarchical issues, one person can risk bringing up the attraction and thereafter deal with the consequences, either success or rejection. The rejection can, of course, be exacerbated when you have to face that person again and again or even worse, if there are rumours or stories circulating about the situation.
However, as adults we can talk to the other person, clear the air, forgive them for not being available and remember you already like them as a person and get on working together.
You do not have the luxury of this option as you are the boss and to even ask the person out could be against company rules and could lead to pressure on the object of your affection. It is possible that, in future, they might move on to another workplace, but relying on this is probably not the most useful position to adopt. There is also the cultural difference which may be part of your attraction, as mystery can be very attractive, but it behoves you to be very sensitive and appropriate in your role as a team leader.
Much of what you say is reminiscent of a first crush – the delight in preparing yourself for seeing the other person and the rush of emotion when even thinking of them. Many of us know that we mostly get over our crushes and go on to have deep and meaningful relationships with someone else. Do not turn off your openness to attraction, if one person can “see” you it is likely that others can too. Keep that energy and possibility alive and enjoy the sense you have of living with excitement. You already love your career, and your current feelings will get you out of your comfort zone and this is where something new can happen.
Allow a friend into your confidence and discuss how you might enlarge your life to include dating and romance. Above all, do not give up on finding other people attractive and continue to take the risk of rejection by being brave in your approach to asking someone out.
This is what a confident person would do, and it demonstrates a willingness to be foolish and this is probably a definition of wisdom.
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