I went through a friendship break-up and don’t know how to get over it

Dear Roe,

This might seem like a strange question, but what advice would you give to someone who has “broken up” with friend? I was close to someone several years ago but gradually, over the years, he stopped agreeing to meet and go out. Then messages on WhatsApp became more irregular and then they stopped. Last week I found out that he had recently visited a holiday destination that we had spoken about before, which he knows I love. I didn’t even get a message about it. We are both gay married men, and I know people move on, and things change. But I felt I never got closure on why the friendship, which meant so much to me, ended.

I don’t think this is a strange question. Friendship break-ups can be hugely impactful, emotional experiences that we don’t speak about enough, and fail to give adequate care, attention or ritual to, which compounds the feeling of loss. When a romantic relationship ends we are allowed to visibly mourn it. We can vent to friends, withdraw socially, watch a slew of sad movies, get a questionable haircut and have intense, complicated feelings about the relationship for a long time. These rituals are cliche for a reason – they are the way we move through the grief that comes with the end of a relationship. These rituals allow us to process the end of something and ready ourselves for a new phase of life without that person. They also allow us to receive support from others and feel loved and connected in our loss, as others witness our pain, listen to us vent, treat us a bit more tenderly and take away those scissors when we start contemplating a pixie cut.

When it comes to the end of a friendship, however, these rituals aren’t as socially acceptable. This can be for a few reasons. Often the end of a friendship isn’t as clear-cut as the end of a romantic relationship and instead, as you have experienced, comes as a slow, confusing fade with no clear end signal. There can also be an ill-placed sense of shame around losing a friendship, the feeling that there must be something intrinsically wrong with us for someone to leave. This shame can lead us to silence, preventing us from acknowledging the depth of the loss or seeking support from others. Finally, there are the damaging ways that modern society devalues friendships, placing romantic relationships at the centre of our personal universes and insisting that other relationships are less important. This, as we know from our lived experiences, simply isn’t true. Friendships enrich our lives and give our world more light, value, depth.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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CS Lewis once wrote: “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art ... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” Anais Nin, meanwhile, wrote about the importance of friendship in expanding our sense of self, opening up our awareness and experience of the world and inspiring new ways of being. “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

I don’t know why this person no longer wants to be friends with you. I do want to flag that some friendships dramatically ebb and flow, and people can disappear from your life but return later. Many people experience this during big life changes such as moving, starting a new romance, having children, or having mental health difficulties, and these friendships can rekindle when the life transitions have settled. But research also shows that we can replace up to 70 per cent of our friend group every seven years as our lives, priorities and personalities shift and grow. This isn’t because we are all incredibly dramatic creatures who decide to mercilessly slash people from our lives because we feel wronged by them. We are constantly growing and evolving, and we let some friendships fall because they no longer fit who we are any more or offer what they once did. Like a romantic relationship, the end of a friendship does not mean failure or that it wasn’t important or meaningful, simply that it has come to its end so something else can emerge.

Thinking about a friendship in this way could help lessen some of your fears that your friendship meant nothing to this person, when that likely isn’t true. The other source of your hurt seems to come from the lack of closure you feel, which is understandable. However, I tell every person who has experienced some form of ghosting or who is seeking closure at the end of a romantic relationship, it is rare that someone else can give us closure. Closure is the gift we give ourselves, and it’s often the only type of closure that can bring us healing.

I want you to imagine that this person reached out and said: “Hi, I realise I hurt you a lot by just disappearing and not telling you what was going on with me. The truth is there’s no one reason, we just had different expectations for our friendship and the way that life has twisted and turned, it no longer works for me. I really do value all our lovely memories and truly wish you all the best.” Imagine how that would feel – the lack of specificity, the somewhat generic coolness, but also the finality and the good wishes that show there’s no lingering ill will. It’s not a detailed answer but it’s an answer. Would that bring you some peace?

If it would bring you any peace, then do yourself a favour and internalise this message as if they had sent it – because without any other information, this is the most likely explanation for their behaviour. By interpreting their silence in a way that is generous and gives you both the benefit of the doubt, you may feel more peaceful while feeling some closure.

[ ‘I love my husband but I’m also so angry at him all the time’ ]

If that answer wouldn’t satisfy you, then we have another issue to address. If you would want to know exactly why they left, precisely what you did wrong, if you would feel compelled to argue the point or tell them you could change – then we need to consider what dynamic was in the friendship that means you still feel the need to audition for someone who has left you. What would it mean to not blame yourself, to refocus on relationships where the people are still invested in you and communicating with you? What would it mean to tell yourself that you did your best to maintain the friendship, and that it’s now your decision to stop chasing someone who isn’t looking back? Building back this sense of self is hard but healing, and will give you much more peace over time.

Grieve your friend like you would any great love. Tell yourself that this relationship is over, at least in the iteration it once existed. Ask friends and your husband to let you speak about it. Write a letter to your former friend expressing gratitude for the good times, hurt over how it ended, acceptance of this change, and wish them well. but don’t send it – this is just for you. Think of all the best things they brought out in you and think of ways to keep those parts of you alive. Commit to your other friendships and be kind to yourself, doing things that bring you joy and trying something new, as you enter a new stage of your life. I hope you find love and support there.