Bullying at work: ‘There can be so much shame associated with being bullied’

Bullying is an intentional and repetitive misuse of power and can be very debilitating for the victim, “whether it is a child or an adult”, says Mary McHugh, MIACP and chief executive of counsellingonline.ie. In many cases, it leads to isolation and shame, with the victim closing in on themselves and interpreting the events as there being something wrong with them. This crumbles their self-esteem and can lead to various mental and physical health difficulties.

“The difference between the adult and the child being bullied is that the adult is responsible for themselves and this may make it very difficult for them to get out of the clutches of a bully,” McHugh says. “When someone is being bullied, they become preoccupied with the bullying effects and this can be very draining of energy, leaving less energy for work, relationships and sleep. It can make it very difficult for them to begin to take the steps necessary to end this situation.

“Being bullied shocks the system and we tend to go into a fight or flight mode or, in severe cases, into a freeze. Science is showing us that we can revert as an adult right back into childlike negative coping mechanisms such as shut down, self-blame, negative self-talk, addiction and self-harm. This is the adult interpreting the situation as being all their fault.”

There are knock-on impacts for relationships with family and friends too, she adds. “They can become preoccupied and withdrawn as there can be a consistent drain of energy from them, leaving less and less energy for the family. This then can cause cracks within their own personal relationships and can further embed feelings of inadequacy, fear and insecurity.

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“There can be so much shame associated with being bullied and this can be one of the greatest blocks for the person reaching out and getting support. The extreme of this isolation can result in suicide, the person seeing no other option.”

While McHugh says the seriousness of the impacts of bullying should not be underestimated, she adds there are ways to try to manage those impacts. “One of the best ways to try to manage this is to firstly question yourself about what is happening and to check the evidence around any of it being your fault. Question your negative self-talk, ask yourself is this true and look for the evidence to back it up.”

Bullying in schools: how it’s changed and how to handle it

Listen | 25:20

More than one in 10 teenagers in Irish secondary schools experience bullying. It can happen in school, or outside it, on social media or in person. For her summer-long series, Irish Times parenting columnist Jen Hogan talked to parents of bullied children, adults whose lives have been impacted negatively by school bullying and to the children themselves. For this podcast she also talked to an expert on the ground, a school principal, Craig Petrie from East Glendalough School in Wicklow Town. Presented by Bernice Harrison.

Along with documenting what is happening, McHugh recommends making eye contact with the person who is bullying. “A bully is a bully out of a need for control and feeling they don’t have it and this causes insecurities within themselves. By making full-on eye contact you are asserting control and are facing fear head on. This can be very intimidating for the bully.”

Setting boundaries is vital, she adds. “Try to set healthy boundaries. If something is not okay, say it in an assertive manner. We may need supports on knowing what is a healthy boundary and what is not and support in assertively voicing when something is not okay.

“Stand tall and feel your feet firmly on the ground, focus on your breath as this is a very powerful and simple way for you to hold on to your energy and not allow the other person sap it from you.”

McHugh also seeks to remind those being bullied that self-care is vital, even in difficult times. “When the body is not at ease with all that is happening, especially when you are being bullied, it can quickly become diseased, either mentally with depression, anxiety, etc or physically with migraines, stomach issues and even more serious presentations. Doing the basics such as adequate rest, even if sleep is difficult, and eating healthily is critical in supporting you through this trauma.”

Caroline Collins is a HR director. She says it is possible to come to a resolution where there are accusations of bullying at work, if people go through a process, but “people have to want to enter into it”.

Collins says there is sometimes confusion about what constitutes bullying. “I often feel that when we talk about bullying, we use the word very casually in real life. And increasingly online we talk about people being piled on, people being trolled, people being bullied online. What that means in real life, or to you or me, is a very different thing from what it means in HR speak and from an employment law perspective.

“Where I spend a lot of time having conversations with people is about unpacking expectations. And what is it that went wrong? And what is it that feels really unsettling?”

Collins says “intention” doesn’t come into it. “So the whole defence, ‘I didn’t mean to make you feel’ that doesn’t stand up. What people look at, from an employment law perspective, what people look at is the actual impact. So, it doesn’t matter what I meant to do, but if I’ve had an impact, then there is a serious and significant issue to answer.”

Collins says people’s interpretations of situations can be where difficulties arise. “If you’ve had less experience of the workplace, or if you’ve worked with fewer cultures, your expectations of what feedback looks like, for example, can be different. A lot of the time I sit with people, and what I hear them describe doesn’t meet the threshold for bullying. It can be deeply unpleasant. It might not be something they want, but it doesn’t meet the threshold for bullying.”

For something to be considered bullying “it has to happen repeatedly and with a negative or detrimental physical or psychological consequence. You’re not talking about somebody taking the head off you once,” Collins clarifies. “We also need to understand it’s not harassment. So something that can undermine your dignity at work, where someone tells the bad joke – that’s harassment, that’s not bullying. You deal with that differently.”

For bullying to occur, “there has to be hostility through sustained unfriendly contact. Verbal abuse, insulting, shouting, using obscene language, spreading malicious rumours, being socially excluded within the personal or work sphere on an ongoing basis, pestering, spying or stalking, undermining behaviour, excessive monitoring at work, withholding work-related information... using social media to undermine you, humiliating you, ridiculing you – those are the serious ends of the spectrum that are actually bullying,” says Collins.

In attempting to resolve issues, Collins says “people can start the conversation. And they may need support for that, and that’s why HR is there. There’s a role called a contact person. The role of the contact person very much is to informally deal with the issue. There’s loads of steps of informal resolution that includes things like mediation or third-party supports.

“There’s a whole load of informal steps that can be taken to resolve things before you ever get to a scenario where you’ve somebody truly with a bullying case that will end up with them leaving, or a disciplinary action or some other outcome.”

Every company is obliged to have a policy on managing bullying, Collins explains “whether it’s a small business or a big business. That piece of paper needs to exist. It should be accessible to them if they ask for it. It should outline the steps in their company. It should tell them the informal bits. And it should, if you get to the really serious stuff, outline the formal process.

“If someone goes through that and feels that they haven’t had a resolution, they can take a case and there’s lots of really good employment law that will walk them through it, because it’s actually a health and safety claim, because bullying is so serious.”