‘My neighbours’ loud sex sessions go from operatic to horror-movie screaming’

Can you stay married to someone who has sexually, emotionally and verbally abused you even though he’s in counselling and is changing?

You can. You shouldn’t. Not because people are incapable of change but because this isn’t about him, it’s about you; because changing now will not undo what he did to you in the past; because you never owe anyone who has abused you forgiveness or your presence in their life; because staying and focusing on his journey to change will likely hinder your ability to focus on your own healing; because abuse has deep and lasting effects on how we feel, think and act and you need to rediscover who you are as a person outside of this relationship; and because you deserve to experience what a purely safe, respectful, empowering love relationship feels like.

Make sure you have a solid support system around you, including a therapist, wish him well on his journey to accountability and change if you wish, leave him, and take your first steps towards the rest of your life. It will be difficult and messy and grief-filled for a while – and then it will be amazing. The very best of luck.

How do I navigate having sexual urges for others when I’m in a long-term relationship?

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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You accept that being attracted to other people is completely normal; you enjoy the frisson of excitement that finding someone attractive brings while ensuring that your behaviour is always respectful to your partner; and, if you’re lucky, you laugh about your crushes together.

My boyfriend is always moody and passive-aggressive when I don’t want to have sex. We have it at least three times a week, but he has a very high sex drive, meaning he wants it daily. I am tired from work, however, and sometimes just not in the mood. He always gets angry with me. What should I do?

Dump him, immediately.

Do you ever not preface the word “masculinity” with “toxic”?

Yes, when I’m discussing healthy expressions of masculinity, which can involve traits that western society has typically associated with men, such as strength, courage, independence, leadership, assertiveness and protective instincts, as well as expressions of masculinity that challenge and expand this traditional definition, such as men expressing a wide range of emotions, showing empathy, developing healthy relationship skills, being vulnerable, embracing nurturing and/or caretaking roles, valuing collaboration, expressing affection in even platonic relationships, respecting and celebrating women and LGBTQ+ people, and choosing clothing and self-presentation based on what brings them joy and confidence. There are many other ways to define masculinity, as it is a glorious, multifaceted, complex, evolving set of practices, attitudes and behaviours that is, thankfully, becoming understood in much more expansive and inclusive ways.

When I use the term “toxic masculinity” I am referring to the very exclusive, limiting ways that certain people think about masculinity, where they conflate masculinity with needing to show dominance in all areas of life. Toxic masculinity and its obsession with dominance encourage men to value themselves only by the power they wield over others; to use aggression and even violence to assert power; to repress all emotions except for anger; to put others down; to treat professional and personal interactions like competitions; to view women and LGBTQ+ people as inferior to them; to never show vulnerability; to feel pressured to be hyperindependent and to provide for others to the detriment of their own wellbeing; and to be limited to traditionally masculine forms of self-expression.

These two things are very different. That’s why the “toxic” part of “toxic masculinity” is important – the adjective marks the distinction. Toxic masculinity is more often discussed in this column because this is an advice column that deals with problems, and toxic masculinity is a problem, while masculinity is not. Thanks for the opportunity to clarify.

I love a man who loves me back but is afraid of dating again because of his past relationships. What should I do?

Wish him luck in therapy and focus on yourself and other romantic prospects. It is a lie that we have to be fully healed to get romantically involved with someone or fall in love with them. Humans are social beings, and we most often heal, grow and develop our sense of safety and self in relationships – platonic, familial or romantic – with others. But two things are important here: this man is not ready or willing to date you; and love alone is not enough. You may love this man, and he may love you in his way, but right now he cannot offer you the commitment, trust, curiosity, vulnerability, bravery and enthusiasm that a relationship also requires. He is, perhaps for completely justified and understandable reasons, emotionally unavailable right now. Do not make yourself emotionally unavailable to other people waiting for him. He is expressing his need to work through this stage of his life without you – respect that, and look for someone who actually wants company on whatever journey they’re taking.

For the past two months our neighbours below us, in a city-centre apartment complex, have had sex every Sunday night in what can only be described as operatic to start and horror-movie-level screaming to finish. Although we’re very much live and let live, this is happening between midnight and 2am; it wakes us up and keeps us awake until the act concludes. Every work week is starting off with a bad night’s sleep, and it’s disturbing several other neighbours as well. We’re not sure what to do or how to address it, as it’s such an awkward situation. Help!

You have a problem with a predictable schedule, so get a predictable solution: earplugs. Throwing a nice rug down on your floor may also help.

You could also check if you can find the details of what soundproofing insulation has been used in your building and if it meets regulation guidelines – I’m guessing if you can hear a couple have sex, you can also hear babies, children, music and so on. Your sex-choir neighbours shouldn’t be absorbing the blame for a wider noise issue. You and the building’s other residents may have grounds to ask the building owner or manager to address the sound-insulation issue in a more complete way. If that isn’t an option, or they really are that loud, you could write a building-wide note, text or email to all residents, saying that, as you all know, the sound insulation isn’t great and could people please be mindful of this after 11pm.

The couple know they aren’t quiet; either they will dial down the volume or they won’t. (Be warned that if they’re vindictive, or like an audience, they may dial it up.) After that you can choose to ask them more directly – with no judgment and again stressing how annoying it is for all of you that the sound insulation isn’t great – and make sure you remain friendly with them.

The compensation for any awkwardness will be how well rested you feel.