‘I’ve met a man I like a lot, but I am starting to worry I slept with him too soon’

Dear Roe,

I’m a woman and have been trying to get back to dating after Covid. I’ve met a man I like a lot and we’ve had a few really good dates with great conversations. We had sex twice and it’s been good (with room to improve, I always find the first few times having sex with a new person a bit nerve-wracking!). While we seem to be getting on really well, he isn’t texting me apart from to arrange to meet again.

There are no in-between chats which is making me anxious. I find myself starting to obsess about whether he’s going to text to arrange another date, or worrying that I slept with him too soon. Does this mean he isn’t that interested in me or just wants something casual?

Why don’t you ask him what it means? It’s hard to believe but my powers don’t include complete omniscience or clairvoyance (yet), so I can’t tell you what his relationship with texting is — but you can ask.

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He may be someone who doesn’t text a lot in the early stages of dating, and prefers to get to know someone in person. There could be several reasons for this, such as not being a big texter generally, or preferring direct communication at first so that you can both get to know each other’s tone, sense of humour etc.

This can absolutely be something you can ask on your next date, simply saying “I’ve noticed you don’t text a lot, is that just an early dating stage thing or do you not like texting generally?” Listen to his answer, which might give you more context and put your mind at ease. If you keep dating and you would prefer more communication, you can explain that you appreciate some more texts and communication between dates to feel appreciated. If he isn’t willing to do this for you, you may decide this isn’t the guy for you, which is fair enough. Communication style compatibility is important.

But remember, there’s a difference between having similar communication styles and placing too much emphasis on the quantity of text messages rather than the quality of your connection, particularly in the early stages of dating. A person could text you constantly and not care about you. A person could text you a lot but constantly flake on your plans to meet up. Someone who isn’t into texting may get more into texting you as the relationship progresses. Someone who is utterly crazy about you and treats you well and makes you feel good may never love being attached to their phone. The quantity of texts does not necessarily correlate to the intensity of feeling.

What kind of communication or texting style you need to feel comfortable in romantic relationships is something only you know. But there are a few other things in your letter that make me think that some self-exploration would help you manage both your expectations and anxiety around dating.

It’s the early stages of dating, you’re having good dates with this man and he’s actively arranging other dates — yet you say you’re already “starting to obsess about whether he’s going to text to arrange another date”. Of course we’ve all experienced the daydreaming that comes with a new crush — but it’s very early for you to be this anxious about what a person you don’t know very well thinks of you.

I also note that you see to be always leaving it up to him to ask you out. You seem to be giving all the power to him, logistically and emotionally, and it seems like maybe you are suffering some self-esteem issues and dating-related anxiety. If he doesn’t text you back, why would that be such a big deal? If you like him, there could of course be some disappointment, but you’re still in the early stages of getting to know each other. You shouldn’t be investing so much in him, and even if you ultimately don’t end up together, that isn’t some unequivocal judgment of your worth as a person.

If you aren’t comfortable having sex with him again until you are clearer on what your relationship is, that is absolutely a boundary you can set. Just say “I’m really enjoying dating you and enjoyed having sex with you, but it happened a bit faster than I intended. I’d like to keep dating but slow down the sexual activity until I’m a bit clearer on what’s happening between us.” If he doesn’t respect that, he’s not for you.

But I do also want you to explore your own anxiety around having sex “too soon”, because I’m wary that this could be a gendered script that your anxiety is making you obsess over. We rarely talk about men sleeping with women “too soon” — we reserve this idea for women, with the assumption being that women need to withhold sex to gain respect. Are you thinking about this because you genuinely feel that you moved quicker than your ideal pace — or is it that your anxiety is telling you that when he’s not texting you, he’s not interested, and then you’re spiralling to “maybe he’s not interested because I had sex with him too soon?” Because your anxiety is not basing itself in facts — in fact, it’s pretty great at making up fictional reasons why you’re not good enough, when you are.

Think back over your dating and romantic history and see if there is a pattern of you getting very anxious around your partner or crush’s communication levels, or constantly worrying about whether they like you or not. Attachment theory is a helpful framework for thinking about relationships; it takes our relationships with primary caregivers and shows how they can affect our adult romantic relationships. People with an anxious attachment can have low self-worth and find it hard to trust that their romantic partners really like them.

People with anxious attachment can often find themselves intensely investing in their romantic relationships, asking for constant reassurance and worrying about being left or abandoned. I don’t know whether this describes your relationships generally, but it might be helpful to look into and think about your self-esteem, the source of your anxiety around not receiving constant communication, and your fear that this man might not like you as much as you like him. People with anxious attachment can find that self-esteem work and grounding or mindfulness techniques help keep them in the present and can alleviate some relationship-centred anxiety. This may be helpful to explore.

Until then, ask him out this time. On your date, ask him about his texting style and see what he says. Move at a pace that feels comfortable for you and try to enjoy yourself. Focus on whether you feel safe and respected and comfortable and appreciated in his company — and try to hold on to that feeling in text lull. Good luck.