Occasional bickering, arguing and sniping are all part and parcel of family life. For the most part, it helps to clear the air and people either hug and make up or just get over it and get on with their lives.
But for some families, disagreements can run a lot deeper, hurtful accusations are hurled and irreparable damage is done. This can be extremely hard on everyone concerned, but when family members fall out and stop communicating with each other, it can be extremely difficult for those caught in the crossfire.
Anne McMahon (names have been changed to protect identity) can attest to this. She has been caught in the middle of an “inexplicable fallout” between her mother and her aunt, and says that she is exhausted by the damage it is doing to her mental health.
“My mother, Mary, and her sister-in-law, Joan, have always had a bit of a turbulent relationship,” she says. “I think that Mam secretly thought Joan wasn’t good enough for her brother right from the start, and as they are both strong women, they clashed over the years. Even though, on the surface, they got on, it was obvious that it wouldn’t take much for them to fall out, and they did on several occasions, but my uncle usually sorted it out.
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“When I was a teenager, there was a period of several years that they had little or no contact, as my aunt and uncle were living abroad, but then, five years ago, within the space of a year, both my dad and my uncle passed away and Mam and Joan became close again for a while. However, in the last 18 months, there has been no communication at all. Initially, this was a two-way thing, but then Mam began to wonder about it and sent a couple of texts, but got no reply. She also rang and left a message and sent a card at Christmas, but has heard nothing back.
“It is becoming increasingly difficult for me because I am in touch with my aunt and my cousins and have to see them in secret. My mother keeps asking me to find out what is up and I have casually mentioned to Joan that she would love to hear from her, but she just says that she is so busy and forgets to call people. I know there is more to it than that because, she finds time to call me – but I don’t want to keep pushing it as I’m afraid that I will be frozen out as well and I get on really well with all of them. It’s a very difficult situation to be in, as of course, I’m loyal to my mam but I don’t feel like I should have to choose sides, but she keeps asking me to and it’s making me so stressed.”
Fallouts like this are not uncommon and psychologist Peadar Maxwell says that, like so many family misunderstandings and estrangements, the “situation is as complicated as it is sad”. But it is also confusing, as Anne is “left in an impossible situation as she tries not to hurt or alienate various loved ones”.
“This is an unfair situation and her mother and aunt owe her an adult explanation,” he says. “It is not Anne’s fault that they don’t get along and she has a right to have a relationship with her aunt and her cousins as they are her family too. In these situations, we are obviously acutely aware of loyalty to our own parent, but one would hope that Mary would realise that her daughter may value and benefit from a relationship with her aunt and cousins.
“Family feuds are common enough, but rarely start for no reason. There is usually some hurt or slight in the past that means something to someone. But it’s a lack of open communication that makes situations seem like they come from nowhere. Sometimes, it is something as simple as a style of communication or an individual’s personality that seems to cause the upset or lack of motivation to repair things.”
Fellow psychologist Dr Malie Coyne says family fights can appear to begin for no reason and can quickly turn into something that may seem irreparable. “Nobody knows what’s going on in somebody else’s life, and even though we might think that something has begun from nowhere, there usually is a reason,” she says. “Sometimes, it can seem like a small trigger, but there’s usually a lot going on in terms of resentment which ignites very quickly because of underlying issues.
“Many family feuds don’t have a single big moment, instead, they build slowly over years because of personality clashes, miscommunication and old arguments that aren’t addressed. Sometimes, the reason is so small or vague that it gets lost entirely, but the feelings it sparked remain. And sometimes the reason for the cut-off isn’t about punishing the other person, it’s about making emotional space for yourself to survive.”
But although there “is a temptation to chase answers, if the person is unwilling to talk, it can create even more stress”.
“Nobody likes feeling rejected, our most basic human need is belonging,” she says. “But if someone won’t talk to you, then try and focus on what is in your control. Look after your own emotional cup – lean on supportive friends or family. Maybe you can write a letter which expresses how you feel – you might not even send it, but at least you’re getting it down on paper. Talk to someone about how you feel but remember that sometimes people withdraw for reasons which have nothing to do with us, but we fill in the gaps ourselves with self-blame.
“Also, someone’s silence can be less about current events and more about old wounds which are resurfacing. So remind yourself that their behaviour doesn’t define your worth – it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong – sometimes people need time, distance and space, and that’s okay.”
Dr Coyne says that while the situation is difficult for the two parties involved, it can also impact the mental health of the person who is trying to see things from both sides.
“It can be really emotionally draining for everybody involved as a lot of energy goes into stuff like this – sadness, resentment and loss of what could have been a supportive relationship,” she says.
“The one who is stuck in the middle can feel torn in two directions, guilty no matter what they do, constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing, or siding one way. And this can cause anxiety, stress, even physical symptoms like headaches or sleep problems. Also, if there is an underlying trauma in the family, old tensions can resurface at a moment’s notice, making the rift harder to repair, prolonging the emotional toll.
“So, it can really have a massive impact on people’s mental health, and unfortunately, intervening can really backfire, particularly if both parties are feisty and defensive as they may end up resenting the go-between person as much as each other.
“I would advise making it clear to both parties that you’re not the messenger, and you prefer not to discuss it, when you’re with them. Encourage them to speak directly to the other, or if they’re distressed by it, to talk to somebody who’s not at all impacted by it, or a professional but resist taking sides or delivering ultimatums.
“Protecting your own mental health is as important as trying to mend the family bond – especially as sometimes bonds can’t be mended because there has to be will from both parties. And sometimes it is good to seek outside help and hear hard truths from someone who doesn’t agree with everything we say.”
Maxwell agrees that family conflict and relationship breakdowns can have a major effect on some people and for those, like Anne, who are stuck in the middle, they need to “either let it go or intervene cautiously”.
“We might approach our relative and ask clearly what happened,” he advises. “It could be that the lack of contact is not important to them and they may be unaware how a feud might affect others.
“In an approach called family systems therapy, we might ask them, either in person or in our own minds, why they feel the way they do without any expectation of a favourable response. Just as a means to explore the other person’s perspective – that can help us to make sense of the situation.
“But if the situation is disrupting sleep or replaying in our minds, we need to seek support. That could be discussing the situation with one or more of those involved, talking to a friend outside of the situation or seeking therapeutic support. Overthinking and poor sleep can wear us down. And, if they won’t acknowledge your efforts or ignore contact, then it may be time to let go of the relationship or the issue. But speaking to a counsellor or therapist might help you to make peace with moving on.
“However, it’s important that you do not make contact with anyone with whom you don’t feel safe or someone who has threatened you in the past. Staying safe is the first priority.”
