Question
My eight-year-old can get into a panic when I leave the house. When I announce I’m going somewhere, she will start getting agitated and say she needs me. We reassure her that she will be looked after by her Dad (who she gets on great with) but she still panics.
Last week, when I had to go out for an important appointment, she had a full-blown panic. She was holding on to my leg, and her Dad had to hold her so I could go (as I had to leave on time). But that was really upsetting for everyone, and I think it set her back. Now, I avoid going out – but this is not sustainable. It is particularly bad in the evening, and then she can’t tolerate me going out at all (sometimes I can get out in the day when she is busy or at school).
The funny thing is that, when I stay in in the evening, she is not that interested in me. She might be happy playing with her Dad and brother (paying me no attention at all), but if I get up to go out, she becomes agitated. We have tried warning her in advance of when I am planning to leave, but that seems to make her agitated all day as she counts down to the appointed time.
We did have trouble getting her into school last year because of this anxiety, but this settled a bit near the end of the school year. What helped her was keeping everything the same and predictable in the school routine. It had to be me taking and collecting her (she would worry if we switched to her Dad).
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She also made a good friend at school who she was sitting beside. The school suggested we seek an assessment and she is on a waiting list for this. Apart from this separation anxiety, she is a happy child. Academically, she is doing well in school.
Answer
Many children develop a particular attachment to one parent, who becomes associated with them feeling safe and secure. The prospect of the safe parent leaving can evoke a strong physical anxiety. This separation anxiety is common in preschool children and sometimes it continues in different forms into middle childhood and even adolescence. It is more common for children who might be autistic or neurodivergent.
In thinking about how to help your daughter, it is important to take time to understand what specifically is going on for her – you want to understand what she is experiencing and thinking when the panic builds for her. In your question, it is interesting that she just needs your presence in the evening to feel secure. She can play happily once she knows you are there or nearby. It is also significant that she likes routine and predictability to feel safe and cope. This worked for her getting to school during the day. In her own mind she might have an evening routine whereby she needs her family and particularly you to be at home for her to relaxed and safe. If you were out, she might feel agitated that this safe routine is changed.
There could also be other reasons for her separation anxiety. She might feel burdened when you are out that she has to be “in charge” or manage the house, or she may feel scared that something bad might happen. Of course, these feelings may not be particularly rational, but they are important to understand. One child I worked with was stressed when her mother went out because she felt she had to manage her two brothers. Taking time to appreciate that she was trying to help and to reassure her that her granny was there to help her gave her “permission” to relax, and made things easier.
Take time to discuss with your daughter her own experience. Invite her to share what thoughts go through her mind when she imagines you leaving the house. Help her to identify her feelings and where she feels them in her body.
To make progress, identify a short outing in the future and carefully plan for this with your daughter. The first step is to get your daughter’s agreement and to see whether she is ready to try to cope. You could explain to her: “You know the way you can get stressed when I go out – would you like to learn to manage this?”
With some children, it can be better to appeal to their altruism and to ask them for help: “I need go out to Friday to meet my friend – will you be able to help me?”
Then explore how she will manage and cope. “What will help you feel secure and safe when I go out? What can Dad do? What can I do?”
For the first trip, it can be useful to plan a rewarding activity or special treat that she can have with her Dad when you go out and something nice with you when you get home. Planning something enjoyable may distract her from her distress when you are out and give her something to look forward to when you are back. The key is to make the first trip very short, and so very manageable. If your daughter gets upset, you can take a little extra time and go slowly. You want her to feel in charge and supported.
Do seek further support as needed. It is good that you are seeking assessment for your daughter, which will hopefully give you a clearer picture of her needs and signpost you to additional practical help or therapy.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is running a Parenting Exceptional Children course starting on September 26th. See solutiontalk.ie
