Question
I’m worried about my 13-year-old. She has become very private and spends lots of time alone in her room.
Two years ago she was a very chatty girl telling me all her news and now she is much quieter and does not talk to me much. I don’t get any news about school. She had a couple a friends in primary school and we used to have them over to the house, but that has stopped now she is first year. She does not mention any more friends from school (she goes to an all-girls secondary) and I am worried that she is isolated.
When I ask her if anything is wrong she denies this and curtly says everything is fine and gets annoyed if I persist. When I was cleaning her room the other day, I found notes she had made on a page saying how she “hated her life”, “that no one liked her in school” – I was a bit shocked. I don’t know whether to raise this with her – she might just fly off the handle or accuse me of snooping. She is academic and seems to enjoy study, but I don’t want her to be just doing this.
She goes to GAA training and seems to like this, though can be stressed about the games. She also goes to Comhaltas and plays the fiddle. Her dad is also a musician and this seems to be where she is happiest. When I collect her from music practice I get the most chat out of her.
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Should I confront her about the note or is there other ways to help her talk?
Answer
At the start of the teenage years, many children go through a metamorphosis. Like yourself, many parents describe having a chatty and open child in primary school who “suddenly” becomes withdrawn and sullen in secondary. This can be hard as a parent – you miss the closer relationship you used to have and you can worry for your child. It can also be hard for teenagers who are worried about identity and fitting in while experiencing a surge in hormones and intense emotions.
[ Should I snoop on my teenager’s social media and internet use?Opens in new window ]
Navigating friendships can be particularly challenging at this time, when it can be so important to fit in yet challenging to do so. Unfortunately, 13-year-old girls can be mean and have not yet learned the social skills that come with maturity. Bullying and exclusion peaks during these years, leaving many children feeling unhappy and isolated.
Also, young teenagers can find it hard to talk about what is going on for them and are withdrawing from parents, so it can be hard to know what is happening.
Should you ask about the note you found?
I think it is good that you found the note as it does reveal how unhappy your daughter is at the moment, so you can think about how to support her. Whether or not you reveal to her that you saw the note is down to your judgment as a parent. On the one hand, you could judge that revealing this could feel like snooping to your daughter and close down conversation – instead you can look at building connecting times with your daughter to give her space to talk or you could indirectly raise the subject of friendship at opportune times (see below).
Alternatively, you could judge that your daughter might want to talk and may have even subconsciously left the note out for you to find. In this instance raising that you found the note might be the start of a good conversation about helping her. Even if she is initially upset, it gives you an opportunity to come back to it later.
Supporting your daughter
The most important thing you can do is build your connection with your daughter. Find ways to increase the daily conversation between you. This might mean building on what is working already – for example, prioritise the Comhaltas trip, as this is when she chats the most. Perhaps you could even extend this time by going for a coffee or having something to eat before or afterwards.
You could also find new ways of reaching out and connecting such as finding a shared activity, for example watching a weekly TV series or regularly checking in on her when she is in her room. You could bring up a drink or a snack and having a mini chat on the bed. Or you could lure her down from her room with the promise of her favourite dinner or an activity she loves or a visit from a favourite aunt.
Nowadays, lots of parents develop online connections with their teens by chatting on WhatsApp or sharing pictures or memes of favourite things on Instagram in which you can intersperse messages of kindness and support.
Inviting a conversation
The key is to build daily conversation that gives her space to talk about what is going on for her when she is ready, without putting her under pressure. You can also directly invite her to talk about what is going on by saying something like “I am aware that things might be hard in school at the moment ... I’m here to talk and help.”
Remember: some teenagers need time before they will talk, and some prefer to initially talk indirectly about issues such as starting a discussion about respect in teenage friendship when it comes up on a TV programme or in the news.
Also, lots of parents I work with now start chatting through issues with their teens in text messages, when talking directly feels too difficult – find out what works for you and your daughter.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a parenting workshop, Helping Your Children and Teenagers Manage Anxiety and Stress, on May 13th. solutiontalk.ie
