In the words of John Lennon, had he been as disorganised and frazzled as I am this year, “and so, this is Christmas. And I’ve feck all done.”
At this point in time, normally someone will share a motivational quote or meme about it being presence not presents that matter, as if I’m completely oblivious and daft to this fact. Or some all-knowing attempt at pacifying me with something like, “ah, it’ll all get done in the end” with little reference to, or consideration of, the fact that I might actually have gone insane by that point in time.
You see, my name is Jen. And I’m a Christmas control freak.
It’s my way, or the wrong way.
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‘Trust me, I’m a family Christmas expert and these are the rules to live by’
My Christmas dinner table may never look quite like my mother’s. And the decorations on the tree have no aesthetically pleasing colour matching pattern as hers do. But Christmas is done in a very certain way in our household and there is no veering from it, in spite of my husband’s perennial swearing that we’re doing things differently next year.
Marriage, of course, is about compromise. Christmas is not.
So, we’ll do things the same as we always did. Which is full-scale Christmas hysteria.
The tree went up in November, as it always did. Long before Covid made this trendy. And it’s Christmas jumpers, and Christmas bedcovers every day of December. And fairy lights galore, of course, because it’s Christmas, like.
You see this was Christmas in my house growing up – minus the jumpers and bedcovers because they weren’t en vogue yet. We didn’t go on holidays during the year, so Christmas was our time of year. The one time of year where excitement was utterly off the scale, and a feeling I can’t quite articulate completely consumed us from November to new year. And I need to replicate that feeling for my own family.
[ Exciting and fun things to do on a budget over the festive seasonOpens in new window ]
Anyhow, in spite of my own frazzled state of mind, and my absolute lack of readiness for the big day itself, I’m going to try to convince you that you should listen to me and my tips for getting through the festive season.
Yes, trust me, I’m a family Christmas expert. And these are Christmas rules to live by.
Elf on the Shelf
I mean ideally you wouldn’t start down this road in the first place, but for anyone out there with small children, who’s feeling smug thinking they’ve escaped, know that your day just hasn’t come yet. But it will. And it will come in the shape of another primary schoolchild who’ll ask your child all about what their elf got up to. And you too will end up spiralling every evening, scratching your head, trying to come up with some suitably entertaining ideas. Because you can’t be the worst parent in the world and deprive your child of a little Christmas joy, can you? Can you?
Keep it simple, search Elf on the Shelf ideas on social media, and set an alarm on your phone to remind you to move the feckin’ thing.
Wrap and go
So, apparently (and bizarrely!), Santa doesn’t wrap the gifts he brings to Carlow. But, as normal people know, wrapping is one of Christmas’s most important great miseries and it just wouldn’t be the same without it. So, in all those situations where wrapping is required, try to do it as you go. Don’t let it all build up until Christmas Eve. Same goes for any gift assembly required, or battery checks. Your Christmas Day self will thank you for it. If anyone questions your obsessive need to wrap everything, scowl at them and call them the Grinch.
You can never have enough boxes of Heroes or Celebrations
Obviously, no one needs convincing of this. See also potatoes.
Unspeakables
You’ll likely spend more time with family and friends than you’re used to. In the interest of continuing harmonious relationships, decide in advance which topics it’s best not to get Uncle Jimmy started on.
The obvious controversial ones, Trump, immigration, the Rose of Tralee, are all best avoided. But if all else fails, use the art of distraction and ask him where he keeps his toaster.
Create the right ambience
Everyone knows Christmas smells of cinnamon, mulled wine and pine. And in these days of fake trees, a scented candle can replace that missing bouquet. But look it, if you can’t find the right one, remember copious amounts of Toilet Duck can also do the job.
If you can, take as much of Christmas Eve off as possible
Track Santa on the Norad tracker, drink hot chocolate, watch The Snowman, bake cookies for Santa (and by bake obviously I mean buy a ready mix that just requires you to add water), listen to Christmas music, watch the Christmas tree lights, have a bath and get into Christmas pyjamas, leave out carrots for the reindeer.
Basically enjoy the magic of the season. Merry Christmas!