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‘My six-year-old talks about the same thing over and over. It’s alienating him from his peers’

Ask the Expert: Is there a way of stopping him doing this without being critical?

'Many autistic or ADHD children have intense passionate interests that excite them and which they love to talk about.' Photograph: iStock

Question

My six-year-old child has suspected ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Sometimes, he wants to talk about the same thing over and over again, but the thing he wishes to speak about is often quite obscure – eg the junction numbers on the motorway. This is alienating him from his peers.

Is there a way of stopping him doing this without being critical? I am afraid that if I engage too much and talk with him about it, this will only encourage him to speak more and become more obsessed.

Answer

Many autistic or ADHD children have intense passionate interests that excite them and which they love to talk about. An ADHD child might frequently change these interests, hyper-focusing on something for a short period before seeking novelty and moving on. An autistic child might have longer-term interests that they like to regularly focus on which provide a sense of security.

Of course, many children have both ADHD and autism and so can have a range of interests that have different functions in their lives. These special interests are very important to children, providing a source of enjoyment and leisure, a way to relax and regulate as well as purpose and meaning.

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Sadly, many children experience shaming and judgment for their special interests, especially when they are obscure or rare. This is less the case when their interests fit in with “neurotypical” norms. For example, people are more tolerant about a child talking endlessly about GAA or Liverpool FC because these interests are normalised in society and children are expected to be obsessed with them. However, when your son has a very rare interest, such as junction boxes on motorways, this can be judged as odd.

The truth is that no one person’s hobby or interest is any more valid than another person’s, and the ideal is that society embraces this diversity. We would have no breakthroughs in road engineering unless there were innovators obsessed with this subject.

When experiencing this negative judgment (which can become teasing or bullying) many children learn to repress or mask their passions which is not good for their long-term wellbeing. Some autistic children may not pick up on the negative social cues from peers and so continue to talk about their interests when the other child is disengaged and this can lead to them feeling isolated. There are a number of things you can do to help your son

Celebrate his interests

Don’t feel you have to curtail the amount of conversation you have about his special interests. Instead, be glad that he chooses to tell you about his passions and the things that excite him. He has chosen you as a safe person he trusts to offload to and share the things that matter to him. Also, by listening to his special interests, this allows you to get to know his world, opens other channels of communication and means that he is more likely to open up to you about other important matters.

It can, of course, feel wearing at times to be listening to a six-year-old talking about the same topics over and over again (especially when you are tired), but try go with it as much as you can and see it as opportunity to help him feel good about himself. If you do need to move on or change the subject, you are right to aim to do this in a way that does not leave him feeling criticised. It can help to do this in a warm and direct way, making sure to remove judgment or frustration from your voice. You might simply say: “Mum/ dad needs to make the dinner now” or “Let’s go out in the garden for a walk” or “It’s time to get ready for bed ' etc.

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Connect him with people who share his interests

Your son is much more likely to get on with other children who are like him and who share similar interests and passions. Try to identify potential friends like this from school and in his other social circles and see if you can arrange play dates with them. As he grows older, there may be clubs and activities he can join that might meet this need whether this is a computer club, a chess group or a local scouts patrol. The Centre for Talented Youth in DCU runs classes for gifted primary schoolchildren in special subjects that match their interests such as science, engineering and psychology.

You may also find people in your extended family who might be a resource for him. He might have a doting grandparent or uncle who is delighted to indulge his talking at length about motorways and other topics (and even take him on a trip to see them). Or he might have an older cousin who shares similar interests who could babysit or take him out occasionally.

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Managing peer challenges

If you feel that your son is getting alienated by his peers it is important to take action to support him. Your best response depends on the specifics of the individual situation. For example, if on play dates your son does not notice that another child is disengaged by him talking about a special subject, you could take time to prepare him for the play date.

You might help him identify in advance the activities he and other child will enjoy together or coach him in the importance of taking turns: “It is good to take turns talking and playing. Ask X what he would like to play or talk about.” However, remember the ideal is to have play dates with other children he naturally gets along with, who tolerate or even enjoy his conversations.

Also, if you feel your son is being teased or excluded in a group, take action to protect him by changing the group he is in. Make sure to validate his experience so that he does not feel blamed: “It is not nice the way the boys teased you, they should not do that.”

If issues arise in his school, it is best to meet the teacher to explain your son’s needs and to discuss how the teacher can resolve the situation (eg pairing him with other children or providing him with extra support in group work if needs it).