How to talk to your children about . . . puberty

Most of us will remember, growing up, the conversations we did, or didn’t have about puberty. The frequent awkwardness of adults, the half-truths picked up in the playgrounds — and, in my case, the separation in sixth class of boys into one classroom, girls into another, as the horrors of what awaited in adolescence began to unfold.

These days, parents try to do things a little differently. But knowing where, when and how to start can be difficult when our own experiences of learning about puberty were often not ideal. Plus there’s an added consideration. As more and more girls are starting their periods at an earlier age, we need to make sure the conversation happens in sufficient time so they’re properly informed in advance of the change that’s coming.

Puberty is the time in a child’s life when a change occurs — from a minor to a young adult. It’s when a child goes through physical changes and emotional changes, though not necessarily at the same pace.

With puberty, I think so many parents are a bit nervous, maybe we’re actually embarrassed to have these conversations, so we kind of put them off

—  Dr Mary O'Kane

So how can we best speak to our children about puberty?

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Dr Mary O’Kane, lecturer in psychology and early childhood, says when it comes to approaching this subject with children, “the earlier, the better”.

“With puberty, I think so many parents are a bit nervous, maybe we’re actually embarrassed to have these conversations, so we kind of put them off. Girls usually start puberty earlier. And what we know now is, it’s starting as young as eight — between eight and 13.

“With boys it would be a little bit older, between one to two years after that,” O’Kane explains. “I think with girls the danger is if, particularly a very young girl in primary school, were to get her first period without an understanding and preparation. If we start talking early about what to expect, and if we try to do it in a calm way explaining puberty is not something to be frightened of. It’s just something we all go through and it’s absolutely natural.”

And how do we explain the concept of bleeding once a month to very young children, without frightening them? “By being nearly as matter of fact as we can,” O’Kane says. “Remember, puberty isn’t just physical, talk to them about this idea of puberty. It’s a stage we go through. You’re growing up and as you grow your body is beginning to change.”

Explain, she adds, “your body is going to change physically and mention to them, along with that, you might feel you’re really changing emotionally too. In terms of periods and blood with young girls, I would talk to them about babies and how babies grow in your uterus. And to make that baby, you need a sperm, like a little seed from a man. You need an ovum — imagine it like a tiny egg. So, you’re just introducing gently what’s happening”.

O’Kane says it’s important to give children “time to talk”.

While parents can tend to focus on the physical changes associated with puberty, for both boys and girls, the emotional response is important to be aware of too

“It shouldn’t be just one conversation. Let them absorb in little stages. But I think, particularly with girls, we do have to explain, normally their breasts will begin to change first, before menstruation, their bodies will have already started changing. They’ll be getting pubic hair.

“It’s important we don’t forget to talk to boys,” O’Kane says. “Theirs is often less visible, but we need to talk to them about hair growth, the continued growth of their penis, of their testicles. Use the proper language with them.”

O’Kane says while parents can tend to focus on the physical changes associated with puberty, for both boys and girls, the emotional response is important to be aware of too. “For a young girl perhaps to be the first girl in her primary school class to be wearing a training bra — something like that is big. For a boy even things like their voice changing, which is very obvious to other people, even sweating which can lead to body odour which is obvious to other people — it’s those changes which in their minds are obvious to others and they can have a real emotional response to that.

“Equally, a child who feels ‘I’m not changing’. Although, with girls, puberty can start about eight, it can also start up to 13. So for the girl or boy in the class that’s feeling ‘my friends are starting to change. They’re starting to mature. They’re starting to grow up. They’re becoming teenagers.’ And for a 10-year-old the thought of being a teenager is huge and to feel ‘why is nothing happening to me? What’s wrong with me?’ … can also have an emotional response to just feeling different.”

Emotionally “it’s a challenging time”, O’Kane explains. “But then within their brain during those early teenage years it is a time of absolute remodelling in the brain”.

The part of the brain “which is very emotional is thriving”, while the part of the brain “associated with impulse control and higher level thinking is actually not developing as quickly”, she says. “They’re having these emotional changes. They’re questioning their identity. They’re struggling for independence and that can make them allergic to control by their parents.”

Coupled with the fact that puberty is starting earlier for children and so they’re dealing with hormones at a younger age than before, “it’s no wonder it’s challenging”.

And how important is it, that parents and guardians discuss the changes happening to girls with their boys and the changes happening to boys with their girls?

“I think, sometimes, it’s adults’ embarrassment, but what messages are we giving them if we can’t talk to them in an open way and in a factual way. It’s so important that they learn, not only about themselves, but that girls learn about boys and boys learn about girls. We should all know what’s happening with each other.

If there’s something that you feel uncomfortable talking about, or there’s something that you’re really not sure how to approach, get a book

—  Dr Mary O'Kane

“It’s really important that we do it and we do it openly. And if they ask you something, and you think ‘oh my gosh, I’m not sure how to respond to that’ it’s okay to say ‘I’m actually not sure. Let me go and look into that and come back to you’, rather than just the mortification, sometimes”.

O’Kane says “if there’s something that you feel uncomfortable talking about, or there’s something that you’re really not sure how to approach, get a book, and if you can, sit with them and go through it. But if you have a conversation and you say, ‘look here’s a book I got. Have a read of this.’ But make sure you chat to them again.

“And if they don’t bring it up again, at the next weekend, say, ‘did you get a chance to look through that? Have you got any questions?’ And maybe, if it’s a daughter, you say, ‘now did you get a chance to read about what the boys in your class are going through? This isn’t necessarily easy for them too.”

O’Kane recommends “lots of little conversations, not one big dramatic discussion”.

She advises using opportunities as things crop up in the media, or even school to have conversations with your children. “You’re better dipping in and out of it, back and forth with them”, she adds.

“We need to deal with our own embarrassment and our own mortification if we want to have an open conversation with them.”