‘How can I respond maturely to my seven-year-old daughter’s fussiness and controlling nature?’

Question

I have a fantastic seven-year-old little girl – bright, creative, funny and energetic. Overall, we have a good relationship and have many happy moments together. She is extremely determined (which is a good thing and similar in that way to myself), however, this can then manifest itself in fussiness or over-controlling a situation (which I think is to do with some anxiety, and again would be similar to myself).

My problem is that I find it hard to respond maturely or patiently to some of these reactions of hers. For instance, the dinner might not be exactly how she expects it to be (big reaction, squealing and shouting) or she doesn’t want to wear leggings two days in a row (shouting and a slipper threatened to be thrown at me) or the vitamins I bought aren’t the ones she wants and she will refuse to take any of them. After working all week and running a home by myself, it is hard to respond with love and see it through her eyes. I just want her to co-operate and get on with it. That said, I don’t want her growing up feeling like she couldn’t express herself, or had to eat dinners she didn’t want, or didn’t have a choice, that my way was more important than hers.

When we are both calm and I attempt to talk through what happened and what we could do to avoid outbursts next time, she dislikes this and brushes off my attempts of conversation by just saying sorry (I’m not looking for an apology) and that it won’t happen again (which I’m also not asking for).

Ultimately, I’m not looking to change her, but for me to work better at remaining calm and understanding where she is coming from during these stressful moments.

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Answer

While it is important to respect your daughter’s autonomy and her right to express herself, this needs to be balanced against your responsibility as a parent to get certain things done (eg getting dressed and out the door on time to school). Sure, your daughter should be encouraged to make some choices around what she wears and what she eats, but there are always limits to her choices that you have to set as a parent. In addition, while you want to encourage her to express her feelings, it is important to teach her to do this in a respectful way to others.

It is completely normal to have lots of clashes and battles of wills with a seven-year-old child. What matters is how you respond to these clashes. If you always get angry when they get angry, then you lose your authority and you model to them a poor way of resolving disputes. As you say in your question, the goal is to find a way to remain calm and understanding during these stressful moments. Once you do this, everything will be easier and you will preserve your child’s self-esteem and your own sense of authority as a parent. Below are some ideas.

1) Take a pause

When you find your temper rising or your voice getting angry, get in the habit of taking a pause. It can help to take a step back for a minute or notice your breathing or to say to yourself in your head (or even out loud), “Let’s stay calm now”. Commit to remaining calm no matter how angry your daughter gets: if she shouts and raises her voice, you decide to keep your voice low and calm.

2) Talk about feelings respectfully

One way to contain feelings is to talk about and name them. You might say to your daughter, “I know you are frustrated with the clothes” or “You don’t like this dinner”, which makes strong emotions understandable as well as diffusing them. You can encourage her to express her feelings by asking good questions: “You sound cross... tell me what is bothering you”. However, insist she does this respectfully: “It is okay to tell me you are upset, but is not okay to shout or throw things”. You can also model “feeling talk” by naming and explaining your own feelings to your daughter: “Mum is getting a bit annoyed now because we are in a hurry to school”, but make sure to use a calm, respectful tone so your daughter learns from this.

[ ‘Our son has severe social anxiety, but my husband and I don’t seem to be on the same page’ ]

3) Use choices to enforce rules

While you might keep these to a minimum, be clear about important rules that need to happen. Using choices can be a good way to help a spirited child co-operate. These can be simple choices such as: “You can choose the green or blue top to go out in”, or more complex: “I know the dinner is not to your liking, but that is all we have to eat until teatime dinner”. Her choice might be not to eat the dinner, but then she has to wait until the next mealtime for food.

4) Have a plan for managing escalation

Battles of wills can easily escalate into full-blown defiance and tantrums. It is important to anticipate this and have a plan for managing that allows you to remain calm. For example, if she point-blank refuses to get dressed, you might pull back and leave the room for a second, or you might distract her with something nice in the future – “When you get dressed we can get your toys out” – or you might warn her of a consequence: “The longer you take to get dressed, the more TV time you will lose”.

[ ‘My 13-year-old son is constantly inside on his phone this summer’ ]

5) Prevent problems

Finally try to prevent problems in the first place by anticipating flashpoints. For example, if there is always a battle over choosing clothes in the morning, consider having all the clothes selected and left out the night before or set up a reward chat where she gets points for getting dressed quickly. These points can be turned into treats at the weekend. Avoid mealtime battles by planning the meals in advance for the week and involving her in the meal choices and the preparation as much as possible.

Getting the right plans to work with a spirited child takes time and patience. Have look at my other articles on irishtimes.com or my book, Positive Parenting, for the full set of ideas.

• Send in your question by filling up the form below, or by e-mailing health@irishtimes.com (with “John Sharry” in the subject line)

• John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie