‘My 13-year-old son is constantly inside on his phone this summer’

Question

My 13-year-old is constantly on his phone and screens. It has got much worse during the long summer months after he finished his first year in secondary school. With school and all his sports stopped he does have not much to do all day and would spend it all day watching YouTube videos if he could.

Lots of his friends are away and even those that are around he is reluctant to meet up. I can’t just arrange meet-ups and activities like when he was younger – he has to do it himself and he refuses. We tried to get him to go to the Gaeltacht in June but he didn’t want to. I think this was a mistake as he had a long month by himself while his friends were away. We had a family holiday at the end of June which was better (though he was still a bit of a moody teenager) and we have a week with his grandparents in August but otherwise he has not much planned.

My husband I both work full-time. Since Covid, I work mainly from home and my husband has returned back to the office. When I am working I know he is just sitting around on screens in his bedroom.

I just wish he could better structure his day. He gets depressed and very moody, which I think is a lot to do with him being on phone all day and not going out. My husband and I had very different teenage years: we were out all day with friends doing things during the long summers, so it is worrying to see him like this.

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Answer

Getting through the long summer months with a young teenager can be very challenging. Secondary students in Ireland have longer school holidays than most countries in Europe and outside an exam year there is so much time for them to fill. Further, 13-year-olds are at a time when they are challenging their parent’s control, yet still are relatively immature and often unable to manage their own time well.

Young teenagers are often more socially unconfident and less able to reach out to friends and make plans etc. In addition, these challenges are often made harder in the modern times due to the dominance of screens and social media. While social media can apparently keep us better entertained and connected, they are no replacement for real-world meetings and activities. Further, when screen use becomes constant and addictive, it can become a block to real relationships and experiences. Below are some ideas as to how to help your son.

Make a summer plan

Sit down as a family and make a plan for the remaining summer weeks. It can help to use a large calendar where you can visually mark in events that are already happening (such as holiday with grandparents) and identify spaces that need to be filled. Encourage your son to come up with lots of ideas about what he would like to do and what you could do as a family. Make a list of all the ideas initially, even the unrealistic ones before you try to select some ones that are practical.

The important thing is to be creative and to think outside the box. Some activities could be as a family or one to one with a parent or with others (eg, inviting a cousin to stay for a couple of days or arranging pitch and putt with a friend). If you can, set a budget for some activities and give your son responsibility for assigning this. If money is tight, brainstorm free activities you can do as a family such as 10 different family walks/picnics you can do.

As a teenager, your son may be initially reluctant to engage in this planning, so be patient and persistent. Pick a good time to chat (eg, after dinner) and be prepared to return to the subject (”that is enough ideas for the moment, let’s talk again later”).

Help your son plan each day

It is a good idea to help your son plan each day – particularly days when there are no special activities planned. This might start at breakfast or the night before when you ask, “what is the plan for tomorrow?” Try to encourage him to plan some alternative activities to screen time during the day such as reading a book, doing some training/ going for a walk, playing music, doing a hobby and also completing a household chore.

Try to keep family mealtimes regular and social and this helps with making plans manageable. Once again, be patient as you help your son make this daily plan – this is an important life skill he has to learn as a teenager.

Set limits on screen time

There is of course many benefits to some screen time, but you need to make sure it is not excessive and damaging – you want to be in charge of technology in your life rather than it being in charge of you. Agree family rules with your son about the use of screens in the home. This might include no screens at mealtimes or none after 9pm (or in the bedroom) and a limit of two hours on YouTube or other distracting apps. Most phones now come with screen time controls that you can operate as a parent to set limits, such as a two-hour daily limit or the phone sleeping after 9pm. This can reduce the “battle and nagging” out of managing screen time in the home.

It is also important to distinguish between “good” and “bad” screen time. For example, watching a favourite family movie or doing an online family quiz or completing an online guitar course are excellent uses of screen time and don’t have to be restricted.

When setting limits on screen time try to negotiate these with your son. The ideal is to reach an agreement about what is best for him and the family. Listen to his point of view about what is important, share your concerns and explore win-win solutions you can both agree with. Showing your son how to communicate and negotiate well around screen time is very important and probably more important than resolving the issue itself in the long term.

- Send in your question by filling up the form below, or by emailing health@irishtimes.com (with “John Sharry” in the subject line)

- John Sharry is Clinical Director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is author of several parenting books including Parenting Teenagers. See www.solutiontalk.ie