'What are you on about, gloopy? It was deadly. That's what it was'

In the final week of our Tiny Plays competition, we'll print a new play every day by leading writers. Comedian ARDAL O'HANLONpresents 'White Food'

The scene is the lounge of a well-run hotel in a border town on a Sunday morning. Off-stage, a Sunday morning crooner sings Ode to Billie Joe, while playing his plinky keyboard.

Frank, a 30-year-old native with metropolitan flourishes, sits hungover on a banquette. There is an overnight bag on the floor beside him and an unfinished pint on the table.

He is joined by his 33-year-old brother, Seamus, dressed as a referee, two fresh pints in his hands.

SeamusThat was some night. ( Drinks)

FrankOh.

SeamusHa?

FrankOh-hoh.

SeamusWasn't it though?

FrankYeah.

SeamusA deadly night. Am I right?

FrankI should be off, Seamus.

SeamusDid you see mammy's face?

FrankI did.

SeamusHa?

FrankOh now.

SeamusDo you know what your problem is?

FrankNo.

SeamusYou're aloof. ( Drinks) Did you know that?

Frank( Drinks)

SeamusNo offence, Frank. You don't join in. ( He suddenly bursts into song along with the off-stage crooner)". . . From Choctaw ridge, today Billie Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge." ( Abruptly) You have no sense of . . . community. ( Beat) Some spread!

FrankYeah...

SeamusA credit to all concerned. Ha? ( Drinks)

FrankWell...

SeamusWell what?

FrankIt was a bit . . .

SeamusA bit what?

FrankA bit . . . you know . . .

SeamusHa?

FrankGloopy! The food. A bit on the gloopy side.

SeamusWhat are you on about, Frank? Gloopy? Ha? What the fuck are you on about? It was deadly. That's what it was.

FrankSorry.

SeamusMake no mistake about that, whatsoever. A deadly spread. Is what it was. ( Drinks)

FrankIt's just.

SeamusHa? ( Looks at his watch)

FrankIt was all . . . white.

SeamusIt was a buffet, Frank.

FrankThe potato salad was white.

SeamusSo what?

FrankThe coleslaw? What colour was that?

SeamusWhite. Of course. Fair play to it.

FrankThe apple and celery? The coronation chicken?

SeamusStop. Stop.

FrankAll white.

SeamusYou're whetting me appetite. I'm salivating.

FrankWhy? ( Drinks)

SeamusIt went down well. That's the main thing.

FrankEven the ham was white.

Seamus( Stands up, angry) That was turkey. In fairness, Frank. That was fucking turkey ( slams table), so it was. No need to be so contrary. So up your own hole. So aloof. Your whole fucking life. ( Sits down again)

FrankI'm sorry.

SeamusIt was mammy's birthday.

FrankExactly.

SeamusHer 80th fucking birthday. Did you see her fucking face? Did you? It wouldn't matter if the food was blue. The important thing is everyone was there. Including, as we all know, you. The apple, and celery, of her fucking eye. ( Drinks)

FrankI'm not saying.

Seamus( Sits) Some crowd all the same. Ha?

FrankIt was.

SeamusWasn't it? Were you talking to Hawkeye?

FrankI was.

SeamusAnd Bullets?

FrankYeah.

SeamusAnd Travis?

FrankJust to say hello.

Seamus'Well boys. What's cooking?' Travis! Ha? 'What's cooking?' ( beat) And the Flynn girl? ( Looks at him meaningfully)

Frank( Drinks)

SeamusYeah. Ha? I never seen you so animated. The pair of yous.

FrankWell.

SeamusYou missed the cutting of the cake anyway.

FrankDid I?

SeamusMammy's cake. Mammy's big fucking white cake.

FrankWe went out for a smoke. ( Drinks)

SeamusAll I'm saying is.

FrankSure.

SeamusRight? That's all I'm saying. ( He stands up, drains pint) Great to see you, Frank. ( Frank stands. They hug)

FrankYou too, Seamus.

SeamusLast time I reffed a match in Tydavnet, I sent five men off, the match was abandoned, and I was locked in the boot of a car for over two hours.

Frank( Laughs)

Seamus( Serious) No laughing matter, Frank. The Clontibret centre-half-back is in a coma ever since.

FrankJesus.

SeamusAbove in Drogheda. So he is. Drooling. Surrounded by friends and family.

FrankHa?

SeamusAnd a fiddler from Dromiskin who comes of a Sunday to play a few jigs and reels by the bed. She's a married woman.

FrankFor fuck's sake, Seamus.

SeamusWith two children.

FrankJesus Christ.

SeamusThat's all I'm saying. ( Suddenly bursts into song again) ". . . and she and Billie Joe were throwing something off the Tallahatchie Bridge. . ."

Seamus goes off singingOde to Billie Joe. Frank stays put. Takes a very long drink. Lights out.