The Arc, part VI: Our collaborative theatre project with no second act

In the latest instalment to The Arc, our collaborative theatrical project with Dublin Theatre Festival, Kate Heffernan has adding to the contributions of Stacey Gregg, Sonya Kelly, Deirdre Kinahan, Tom Murphy and Enda Walsh. The remaining playwrights in the project are Bush Moukarzel, Brokentalkers, Michael West, and Genevieve Hulme-Beaman.

This Sunday at 6pm, the play will get a rehearsed reading as part of the Dublin Theatre Festival. Annabelle Comyn will direct, with Kate Stanley Brennan playing Karolina, Niamh McCann playing Paulina and Declan Conlon playing the part of Mulcahy. The show is open to the public. Tickets are €5, with proceeds going to charity. You can buy them here or via the festival's box office, on 01-6778899 .

La Reine Claude: Part VI by Kate Heffernan

Blackout.

Silence followed by a soft squeaking, a hint of metal on metal. Light springs up on MULCAHY who is kneeling on the dining table. He has just screwed a light bulb into the pendant lamp which hangs above it (the source of the light which now illuminates this part of the stage, including MULCAHY’s shoes, placed neatly to one side). Poised to leave, KAROLINA and PAULINA peer at MULCAHY from the darkness.

MULCAHY That’s the last of them. What was it?

KAROLINA (She steps into the light.) Twenty pack. In six months. Too cheap, Mr Mulcahy, you know?

MULCAHY Ah, no doubt you’re right. A, ah. What is it you call it, Karolina?

He disappears into the destroyed kitchen.

KAROLINA (calling after him) A false / economy

MULCAHY A German superstore.

He has reappeared carrying two comically oversized roast chickens on a serving plate and places them on the table

You know, races you through the checkout. And you’re like Brian O’Driscoll trying to catch everything. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!

He crouches, posing with hands outstretched as if to catch a rugby ball, shifting his pose rapidly on each beep. KAROLINA laughs pleasantly. He pauses. Notices KAROLINA’s shoes

Shoes on? Marigolds off?

Quick glance at clock, and scans the room, peering into the darkness)

Ah. Paulina. Of course. That time already. (Pause) What about my shirt?

KAROLINA I collected it this morning, Mr Mulcahy.

MULCAHY Righto. (Pause). And you remembered the socks?

KAROLINA I did.

MULCAHY How many?

KAROLINA One pair.

MULCAHY I hope they weren’t too expensive?

KAROLINA Penney’s, Mr Mulcahy. I know the drill. We should leave you. To your evening. To your guests.

Pause.

MULCAHY Your sister and I like our routine. Don’t we, Karolina?

KAROLINA We do, Mr Mulcahy.

MULCAHY Still. There is a lot of chicken here, isn't there? Paulina? I could drink all of this myself (indicates wine) but I shouldn't.

KAROLINA We really / should be

MULCAHY It’s breathing?

KAROLINA Three bottles are breathing Mr / Mulcahy

MULCAHY Seventeen. (Pause.) Bulbs. Now I think about it. Out of twenty. There was one of your crowd on the checkout that day. Smashed three of them when she fired it at you. Belligerent. You’ll stay of course, Paulina? You’ll have to convince that sister of yours, she doesn’t listen to me.

PAULINA (She steps into the light) That's very kind, Mr Mulcahy.

MULCAHY Please, call me Mike! (He disappears into the kitchen again)

KAROLINA (In Polish) Look, he doesn't want us to stay. Not really. And there's no need. Take what you came for and leave. I'll stay. Make an excuse for you.

PAULINA (In Polish) It's polite!

KAROLINA (In Polish) Polite!

PAULINA (In Polish) Yes, mother! I can be polite. I can laugh at his old man jokes! How long have I been here now and you never want me to talk to him? And I'm hungry. Fancy table cloth? Merlot? Crispy skin! You're so serious, Karolina. No sense of humour. (In English) Stuck in the sand.

KAROLINA (In English) Mud. Stuck in the mud. (In Polish) Look, just don't mention the 'trompe l'oeil'.

PAULINA (mocking MULCAHY's affectation) 'trompe l'oeil'.

MULCAHY reappears quickly with crockery, cutlery, wine glasses, a carving knife.

MULCAHY Sit! Sit, sit, sit!

PAULINA sits. KAROLINA sits beside her sister, glancing from her to MULCAHY. She passes out the plates. PAULINA pours the wine. Silence as MULCAHY begins to carve and deal out the chicken.

MULCAHY You have two breasts there.

He plates two chicken breasts for PAULINA.

PAULINA You have no friends?

KAROLINA Paulina! (laughs uncomfortably). Mr Mulcahy has loads of friends.

MULCAHY Too many by far. Think of the funerals. It will cost me an arm and a leg. And a wing?

PAULINA Please, Mr Mulcahy.

MULCAHY Mike! Please! Cancelled. Just now. All of them! Fowl already in the oven.

He continues carving.

Not to worry. A small convocation of movers if not shakers. Wine, quick unveiling of this new Percy French delight.

He points to the painting, PAULINA looks at it blankly. Pause.

Oohs followed by ahs I would have hoped. But no matter. Still. Two big birds. Your sister here basting all afternoon. Ethically sourced too, isn’t that right, Karolina? CYCLED to the shops for them.

PAULINA laughs at his bad joke. A bit too hard.

KAROLINA Those thighs for me, Mr Mulcahy, thanks a million.

MULCAHY How long more do we have you, Paulina?

KAROLINA Not long.

MULCAHY And you’re liking it I understand?

PAULINA I love it here.

MULCAHY I must admit, I’ve gotten used to you dropping in. Gotten used to our. Conversations. When your sister is out.

Pause. Light bulb flickers and dims as if it is about to blow, but it doesn’t. All three glance upwards.

KAROLINA (Pause). Those thighs for me, Mr Mulcahy, thanks a million.

MULCAHY How long more do we have you, Paulina?

KAROLINA Not long.

MULCAHY And you’re liking it I understand?

KAROLINA She loves it / but

PAULINA I admit, I’ve gotten used to dropping in. Gotten used to our. Conversations.

KAROLINA Salt?

Offers MULCAHY the salt cellar

MULCAHY About art?

KAROLINA Butter? (offers PAULINA the butter dish)

PAULINA Is it art or life? I’ve been wondering, Mr Mul-

MULCAHY Mike!

PAULINA I am wondering about this trumpet / trump-

MULCAHY (Affected). Trompe l’oeil! She wants to know about our trompe l’oeil, Karolina!

KAROLINA What do you know about art, Paulina?

PAULINA What do you?

MULCAHY It makes the apartment look so much bigger, does it not?

PAULINA Yes. But. Bigger? Do you need bigger?

KAROLINA That’s not polite, Paulina.

PAULINA So serious, Karolina!

MULCAHY (laughing) Your sister is quite serious! It is an optical illusion, Paulina.

PAULINA Yes. Like that cartoon we watched. Here. Karolina?

KAROLINA Paulina!

PAULINA The wolf chasing the bird with the long legs? What is it called? Karolina?

MULCAHY Karolina, you remember of course. Watching the telly here. All of us. With our feet up? Tell us the name!

KAROLINA Roadrunner.

PAULINA Yes, Roadrunner! The / wolf

KAROLINA Coyote / He’s a-

PAULINA The coyote paints a big black, a big black

Searching for the word, she draws an arch in the air instead

Like a tunnel, on the side of a mountain. (Laughing)

And the bird runs through it. Through the mountain! Straight through! (PAULINA and MULCAHY laugh KAROLINA joins in).

I don’t understand it at all. I wonder why you need it bigger? Bigger! For one pathetic, lonely old man!

MULCAHY stops laughing, and watches PAULINA and KAROLINA as they continue to laugh. KAROLINA continues to laugh with her sister, but with one eye carefully on MULCAHY.

MULCAHY And my maid.

KAROLINA eventually stops laughing.

PAULINA (still laughing hysterically) I keep seeing the coyote, that stupid old coyote, trying to follow the bird and, and

She stands up and mimes running full speed into a wall more than once. PAULINA continues to laugh, until it is beyond uncomfortable, while MULCAHY and KAROLINA sit in silence.

KAROLINA That’s enough now, Paulina.

PAULINA (Still laughing) And his maid. Of course. Mr Mulcahy the Miser and his pretty maid. Huge apartment. Expensive paintings.

KAROLINA (In Polish) Enough.

PAULINA Cheap help. Second-hand shoes.

Pause

MULCAHY Please, Paulina. How many more times. Call me -

PAULINA Mick, yes.

She returns to her chair

MULCAHY Mike. (Pause) But don’t apologise. Michael is just one of those names, isn’t it? People think they can come in here and call me whatever the hell they like.

PAULINA Cunt.

Pause.

KAROLINA (In Polish) He’s here! He is parking his car!

PAULINA doesn’t move. KAROLINA springs up, her upstage hand indicates a room, she knocks her plate to the floor.

KAROLINA (In Polish) In there!

PAULINA (Firm) Stop.

KAROLINA (In Polish) In there! And shut the door!

PAULINA still doesn’t move.

MULCAHY (Firm) Stop. Pick up your chicken, and sit down.

Pause. KAROLINA finally gives up, scoops dirty chicken up from the floor and sits down. She continues to eat. PAULINA stares at MULCAHY. MULCAHY leans back, hums the ‘Mountains of Mourne’, then sings these snippets from the last verse:

There’s beeyooteeful girls here, oh never you mind

With beeyooteeful shapes nature never designed

And lovely complexions all roses and cream

But let me remark with regard to the same

That if that those roses you venture to sip

The colours might all come away on your lip

Out of lyrics, MULCAHY continues to sing and hum the tune without words, half-encouraging, half-threatening KAROLINA and PAULINA to join in. They don’t.

MULCAHY Fierce blunt, your crowd. (Pause). Well. Eat up. There’s still plums to come.