MORRISSEY

I Have Forgiven Jesus Attack

Not sure if Christmas is strictly Jesus's fault, but it's big of Mozzer to forgive the great man in this season of goodwill. But will Jesus forgive Moz for impersonating a priest on the cover? Well, he's forgiven Sinéad, so anything's possible.

RONAN KEATING FT YUSUF

Father and Son Polydor

Yes, the unthinkable has happened. Ro has recruited the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens to help him fight the War on Taste, and come up with an even worse version of the song than Boyzone's. As Shane Lynch might have said, it's bleedin' cat.

MERRION, MCCALL & KENSIT

I Got You Babe Bellyache/Sony/BMG

Celebrity stalker Avid Merrion teams up with two women - Davina McCall and Patsy Kensit - who make him want to do a "sex wee", for this charity version of the Sonny & Cher classic. The result is, like last year's Proper Crimbo, a right dog's Christmas dinner.

DAMIEN RICE

The Blowers Daughter DRM

Damo Nice has done pretty well for himself, and his good fortune continues, with one of his most popular tunes being used on the soundtrack of Mike Nichols's Closer, starring Julia Roberts and Jude Law. Expect Jude to be sporting a scraggly goatee and tatty corduroy by the New Year.

COLLIE FT THE CAMEMBERT

QUARTET

Get Out Universal/Xcentury

No, it's not Dustin the Turkey on speed. Collie is a Dublin hip-hopper, kind of an Irish Eminem, who has joined up with the Camemberts for this salsa-flavoured slice of paddy-rappery, all about trying to score with a mot on Leeson Street. Collie me b***ix.

BLINK 182

Geffen

They were the original punk-poppers, but these guys must have outgrown their short pants and skateboards by now. Gee, I bet they're even shaving at this stage. Dudes, I think it's time to stop acting like Bart Simpson and leave the kid's stuff to Busted and Sum 41.

GEORGE MURPHY

To Make You Feel My Love Sony

Georgie shows his versatile singing range here, croaking like Joe Cocker on this song by Dylan, then barking like The Wolfe Tones on Phil Coulter's The Town I Loved So Well. Wonder can he do a Justin Hawkins falsetto?