So who are they?

"They" are the Farrelly brothers, the no-taste directors of the surprise US movie hit of the year, There's Something About Mary. Aw, bless their hearts. And what is it about Mary that makes her so distinctive?

Everybody loves her, and I mean really loves her. That sounds nice. Is it a religious film? Mother likes religious films. Not in any recognisable sense, although the sight of a man with his reproductive organs caught in his zipper may cause the male members of the audience to offer up a silent prayer.

Ouch, so it's not a film about Lourdes then. Still, it can't be all bad if that nice Cameron Diaz is in it.

Yes, with male seed in her hair after she mistakes it for hair gel. Oh dear, how revolting. That doesn't sound like mother's cup of tea at all.

Or cup of anything else, in fact.

Very droll. She's an elderly woman. Seeing something like that could give her a seizure.

Well, the Farrellys have never been noted for their sensitivity - "People think about their grandmothers too much," according to Farrelly, P. - and There's Something About Mary has a little bit of something to offend everybody. After all, these are men who think it's funny to sell a dead bird to a blind kid.

You don't mean to say that they've done this before?

You've obviously never seen Kingpin, in which Woody Harrelson manages to milk a bull. Or Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carrey feeds a bottle of laxative to his best friend before a big date, forcing him to avail urgently and lengthily of his date's toilet facilities. "Don't use the toilet," she advises him through the closed bathroom door, as his exertions reach a noisy conclusion. "It doesn't flush."

Um, I feel quite ill, and mother isn't looking too well either. The film has grossed - and I mean grossed - more than $100 million in the US, so not everyone is as sensitive as you. It has also refuelled the debate about the dumbing-down of America, assuming you thought Titanic was high culture.

Don't tell me it's coming here. Mother will have a fit.

Actually, the Farrellys might find that rather funny. They've already embarked on their next venture, a film about Siamese twins whose relationship falters when one of them decides that he wants to be a movie star. It's called

Stuck On You.

My God, have these men no morals?

Well, they do have some scruples, sort of. "We wouldn't pick on Chelsea Clinton because she's a living person and it's too easy," Peter Farrelly recently told an interviewer. "We'd rather pick on a bunch of kids in wheelchairs." Filth. Depravity. Mocking the afflicted. When does it open?

September 25th. See you there?

Absolutely, but I think I'll leave mother at home.

A wise choice.