In a Word . . . Etiquette

Too tired for etiquette. It sounds like the title of a novel. Hardly a thriller. More of a Victorian “comedy of manners” style.

"Lady Gwendolen, exhausted after a day reading under a tree on the vast front lawn, was entering the front door of Benderly. Set on 20,000 acres of very best English green and pleasant land, it reputedly had 365 rooms.

"It was said her father, Sir Freddy Owens-Thelot, had long planned to build an additional room as he was tired of the inevitable jokes every leap year. But bother with the natives in India was a constant distraction.

"As Lady Gwendolen tripped up all 39 steps to the front door she fell and yelled 'drat!', at which her governess, Miss Spent, was appalled. "Lady Gwendolen," she shrieked, "what if your mother Lady Languid heard you utter such a four-letter word? She would collapse in a faint.'

“Somewhat taken aback by her own expletive, Lady Gwendolen responded: ‘I did hear Papa say ‘damn’ once, you know.’ Miss Spent was having none of it. ‘He’s a man – they do things differently. It’s most unladylike. You really must watch your etiquette.’

“It was too much for Lady Gwendolen. ‘But I’m too tired for etiquette.’ To which the exasperated Miss Spent responded: ‘Be very careful, young lady. No etiquette today, revolution tomorrow.’”

I had an “etiquette moment” recently. Meeting long-standing, and mannerly, family friends after an absence, I had been looking forward to the event but did not realise how tired I was. It followed a trying few weeks.

Sometime into the meal I realised I had been resting both elbows, and occasionally both forearms, on the table much of the time. I debated what I should do. By then they probably had noticed and I felt like Macbeth, without the blood.

I was “stepped in so far that should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go o’er”. I remained, self-consciously, with my elbows on the table, my inner peasant, open, easeful and at rest. Of course my courteous company noticed and made a humorous remark, which I allowed slide over.

But I was embarrassed.

Etiquette. From French étiquette, for "prescribed behaviour". From Old French estiquette meaning "label, ticket". Thought to be from small cards on which were written instructions on how to behave properly at court.

inaword@irishtimes.com