Culture

In a Word . . .

. . . Bank

Patsy McGarry's face
Patsy McGarry
Sat Jan 19 2019 - 00:00

Driven to exasperation dealing with banks and such institutions? If so, you'll love this story from the New York Times. It concerns an elderly woman who had a cheque bounced before her pension was due to be deposited in her account.

It cost her an additional $30 penalty.

She wrote to the bank, noting how every time she called it was to be met with the same “impersonal, over-charging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become”.

From then on, she said, “I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee whom you must nominate.

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“Please find attached an Application Contact. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

“In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

“When you call me, press buttons as follows:

Immediately after dialling, press:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom should I be sleeping.

5. To return to the main menu and to listen to all options again.

6. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

“You will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.While this may involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

“May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client.”

She added: “And remember: Don’t make old people mad.We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.”

Bank, from either Old Italian banca or Middle French banque (itself from the Italian word), both meaning 'table.'

inaword@irishtimes.com