If you go to see the excellent new film Eternity you’ll be struck by a few things. It’s the story of a recently deceased married couple, Joan and Larry, who find Joan’s hunky first husband, Luke, waiting for them in the Junction, a strange realm between death and eternal life. Joan and Larry are played by Elizabeth Olsen and Miles Teller. Luke is played by Callum Turner.
It’s a supernatural romcom that lands somewhere between Powell and Pressburger’s A Matter of Life and Death and Ernst Lubitsch’s Design for Living. It’s excellent: moving and funny and thought-provoking and charming and wise.
Also: I’m in it. I play the part of Junction Announcer, an oddly charismatic figure who makes announcements on a Tannoy in the strange train station/holiday-resort-style afterlife “junction”. I am unseen but often audible.
Unsophisticated viewers think this is a small role. Discerning critics* quickly realise that Junction Announcer is, in fact, the most important character in the film. (*I am a critic.)
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Cynics will say the only reason I got the part is because the director and cowriter is someone called David Freyne – who coincidentally has the same second name as me and who is, even more coincidentally, my brother.
The cynics are, of course, completely correct. I totally am a nepo baby, and not just because I look really young for my age or because I’m sexy in a “Hey, baby!” sort of way. Even though both those things are true.
I’m one of life’s nepo babies. In the past, while editing his films The Cured and Dating Amber, my brother has called to ask me to say a few lines into my voice-notes app to be used as background content on fictional news reports and whatnot.
I am, as you know, very shy and reluctant to step into the limelight, but will do so from time to time out of love for my fellow man, like Jesus.
This time David said they’d probably rerecord the parts with another actor later, because my voice is so beautiful and lush that it might distract from the other performers. I think those are the words he used.
I just laughed. I knew that once the production team heard the rich timbre of my voice they would feel unable to change it. Having a voice like an earthbound angel is my curse. People are constantly falling in love with me.
I am a professional, however. I went method and spent a week developing a complex backstory for Junction Announcer before sending David the voice note.
I won’t go into it here, because David says my backstory is distracting and that in future I should “focus more on learning my lines as written” and, “seriously, Patrick, just say the lines,” but there’s a lot more depth to the character than what’s written on the page. I think that comes across onscreen.
A few weeks later David rang to say, a little grumpily, “You’re in the edit a lot more than I expected.” Of course I was.
This being a much bigger production than my previous roles, I was invited a few weeks later to reprise the part in a fancy audio studio in London. I played hardball for a while, but in the end I agreed to the terms as presented to me, because my negotiation style was – and I quote David – “making me lose interest in film-making”.
My wife, who wanted to be an actor when she was younger, is not happy with my success or my constantly telling her I’m a professional actor now. I only do it when the subject comes up organically, of course. Like when I wake up in the middle of the night, think of it and shake her awake or just whisper in her ear.
“I might win an Oscar,” I say.
“You can’t win Oscars for voiceovers,” she says, in her customary spiteful manner.
“My voice is so rich and resonant that people won’t notice I’m not physically onscreen,” I say.
I genuinely think I might win an Oscar.
My nephew Eli – who has performed in pantomimes – and I have a WhatsApp group called “Professional actors only”. Some might say we set it up to taunt my wife, but we actually did it because we have special actor stuff to talk about.
Recently my family went to the premiere in London, which was attended by the very talented stars Elizabeth Olsen, Miles Teller, Da’Vine Joy Randolph and John Early. It was a big day for me and also, as my family insisted on reminding me, for my brother David Freyne, who had just directed and cowritten a very big film. (You probably know it as the Patrick Freyne vehicle Eternity.)
When the film rolled, my nephews Cillian and Senan were surprised to hear my voice. “We thought you were joking,” they said with joy or possibly horror. (It’s hard to read the expressions of teenagers.)
“Wait for the after-credits scene!” I said.
Sadly, someone had accidentally removed the after-credits sequence I had sent them. (The light comes up in a dark room. It’s me at a microphone, wearing sunglasses and smoking a very long cigarette. “Coming soon: THE JUNCTION ANNOUNCER.”)
Nonetheless, I do believe my brother’s next film is probably going to be called The Junction Announcer, because you have to give the people what they want.
[ Patrick Freyne: Nature programmes don’t tell you animals are duplicitous bastardsOpens in new window ]
Indeed, the first draft of this article was basically a resignation letter to The Irish Times. The headline was going to be, “Bye, f**kos. I’m off to Hollywood,” but my wife convinced me not to do it, because it might look “boastful”.
I still think it’s true, though. Nepo baby or not, I am an excellent actor.
Eternity is in cinemas from Friday, December 5th
