In a Word... Granny

Surely one of humanity’s greatest inventions has to be the Granny. Particularly where grandchildren are concerned. Grandas too. But, there’s something about Granny.

No one has quite articulated that `something’ better than the seven-year old girl whose astute explanation I came across recently. She was asked by her teacher to write an essay on `What a Granny is.’ Clearly, as you’ll see, she gave the subject deep thought.

Eventually, she was forced to the conclusion that: “A Granny is a lady who has no children of her own so she likes other people’s little boys and girls.”

Which, you’ll agree, is an excellent start.

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Then, in a line that will warm the cockles of every all-inclusive heart, she continued: “A Granda is a man Granny. He goes for walks with boys and girls and they talk about fishing and tractors.”

She acknowledged that “Grannies don’t have to do anything but be there. They are old so they shouldn’t play hard or run. They never say `hurry up’.”

Then, and be warned here – particularly those of a politically correct disposition -, she reported, fairly and accurately, that Grannies “usually are fat but not too fat to tie children’s shoes.” Also, “they don’t have to be clever, only answer questions like why dogs hate cats and why God isn’t married.” No less!

Grannies “don’t talk baby talk like visitors” and “when they read to us they don’t skip bits or mind if it is the same story over again.”

But then, and finally, the coup de grace about all Grannies: “Everyone should have one, especially if they don’t have television, because Grannies are the only grownups who have time.” Wonderful.

The really good news for all the boys and girls is that we will have more and more Grannies in Ireland, Grandas too. Life expectancy in this country has grown by over a third since 1925, from an average 57 years to 82 today.

And, best of all, while the average life expectancy of Grannies in Ireland just now is 84, it will be 88 by mid-century, when Grannies (and Grandas) are expected to make up a quarter of the population, as opposed to 1 in 7 now.

By then, surely, everyone will have one?

Granny, diminutive and contraction of grannam, shortened form of French Grandame, for `grandmother, great lady.’

inaword@irishtimes.com