How not to be the conference panellist from hell

Not that long ago I met a moderately successful business executive who asked a question I was not expecting: what’s the best way to get invited to speak on lots of conference panels?

He had never been a huge fan of conferences. But the threat of recession had turned his mind to ploys for staving off unemployment and he thought it might help if he could swank around the office talking about all his panel appearances.

I have long had my own thoughts on how to be a star panellist or rather how not to be the panellist from hell. I had a lot more after speaking to people who work on these events for a living.

Here then is a brief guide on how to conquer the panel invite list – or guarantee you will never be invited back again.

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First off, it obviously helps to have a top job in a globally famous company. But demand is high for panellists from less stellar outfits if they can do something less obvious: speak knowledgeably and engagingly about big global themes rather than just their own group.

It is taken for granted that a panellist can answer any question about their own organisation. But the speakers who light up a room can also talk about how cyber attacks or hybrid work patterns or trade tensions are affecting their industry and the world in general.

Favoured speakers also get their points across with a telling anecdote or a story, not a recited list of bullet points. They use concrete examples, not cliched generalisms. Very importantly, they are not afraid to be provocative.

There is nothing more dispiriting than watching a group of suited speakers on a stage politely agreeing on the tediously obvious for the best part of an hour. Yet this is a wholly accurate description of far too many business conference panels.

Provocation does not always make life easy for moderators. I had one of my most searing conference experiences a few years ago when a shale gas panel I was chairing descended into a volatile debate between a fracking company boss and a green campaigner. My increasingly frantic efforts to restore order went nowhere. I felt useless. The audience loved it.

Being contentious can, of course, have consequences. FT columnist Stuart Kirk was suspended from his job at HSBC last year (and later resigned) after telling an FT conference that climate change investor risks were exaggerated and “nut job” doom-mongers were always getting it wrong. But he is a rarity. Also, he could never be accused of being dull, which leads to the list of things one should not do on a panel.

Crucially, you should never drone on. And on. And on. An exasperating number of panellists ignore instructions to make their points briskly so all speakers can have a say. This is tiresome and worse, it can embolden revenge drones who try to steal back time from the original offender.

Using mystifying acronyms or baffling jargon is another no-no. So is ignoring requests to speak without slides and banging on irrelevantly about your company’s latest product.

I have also been on panels where participants whip out their phone to take a photo of the audience or each other. This was unexpected, but nothing compared with the obnoxious practice of checking your phone for messages as soon as another speaker starts talking.

Still, some of the most offensive panel behaviour occurs before the conference starts. One sure-fire way to make yourself unpopular is to demand a preparatory call with busy conference organisers, then fail to turn up for the call or send a useless functionary in your place.

Likewise, you should never demand a precise batting order of each question you will be asked. Arduously rehearsed answers to canned questions are a recipe for panel doom.

Finally, there is one thing you should avoid at all times. Never, ever agree to speak on a panel then pull out minutes before it starts unless you have an unbelievably good excuse. The creeping incidence of conferences where speakers appear on video is exacerbating this behaviour. But it is hard to think of a better way to make sure you will never be invited to speak again. – Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2023