Start-up savvy: a guide for dummies on how to blag your way to your first million

You’re no one these days unless you have started your own company and subsequently sold it for a colossal sum by the age of 22.

Obviously, it’s preferable if your start-up is selling something that no one quite understands, but you promise might be the answer to all our future ills. This isn’t always necessary, however.

What is important is being able to talk in a way that will wow the moneymen into parting with their hard-earned cash so that you can spend more time sleeping, playing video games, eating pizza by the ton and, of course, taking the business to the next level.

If you’re too old or too stupid to have mastered the mangled syntax that passes for conversation among plugged-in young go-getters, then don’t worry, help is at hand.

We’ve compiled a handy guide that will not only make it easy to understand all the buzzwords being bandied about, but may even land you some moolah. Sit back and get ready to learn the words and phrases you’ll need to talk like a pro.

“We’re deeply enmeshed in Dublin’s tech ecosystem”

Someone we went to school with works at Google.

Web Summit

An overpriced annual event attended by famous models, once-famous rock stars, some guy from Twitter and thousands of wannabes who live at home with their mums. All these people are younger than you. Wifi not included.

Seed funding

Uncle Pat lent us €50.

“We’re a very early stage start-up”

We dreamed this up in the pub last week and have literally nothing to show for ourselves.

The Internet of Things

Your fridge pities you.

Cryptocurrency

Money that doesn’t exist in the real world. Just like that pay rise you’ve been waiting on since 2008.

Crowdsourcing

We don’t have any money and no investors will take us seriously, so we’ve no choice but to hassle family members and friends into backing us.

“I’m a serial entrepreneur”

I’ve had umpteen businesses and none have succeeded.

Accelerator Programme

We’re on the fast track to nowhere, but no one has rumbled us yet.

“We’re a lean start-up”

We went to a free seminar and drank the Kool-Aid.

Incubator

A cheap desk where you can spend the day dossing online and hiding away from the scornful eyes of parents and partners who want you to get a real job.

High-Potential Start-Up (HPSU)

As well as our mums, other people are now starting to believe we can do it too.

Wearable tech

Your Ugg boots own you.

Acqui-hiring

Our products are useless, but Joe the database guy is, like, really good at what he does.

“We’re refining our exit strategy”

Our start-up funding has nearly run out.

Gamification

Our business philosophy is based on Candy Crush.

“We’re experimenting with business models right now”

We haven’t a clue how to make money. The only models we know anything about are the ones we see every week in the Sindo.

Venture Capital

When the nearest ATM is more than 1km away.

“We’re based in Silicon Docks”

We’re working out of a bedsit in Irishtown.

Growth Hacking

All we do all day is tweet.

“We’re not focused on money right now; it’s all about user growth”

At least five of our friends have tried our product and say they like it. None of them are willing to pay for it.

Millennials

People who have never heard of Marc Andreessen.

“We’re working on our minimum viable product right now”

We’ve been at this for two years and it’s about time we had something to show for ourselves.

Sweat Equity

We can’t afford to pay you, but here’s a wodge of worthless shares instead.

“We’re looking to scale aggressively”

We’re arrogant young Turks with MBAs and a lot of self-belief.

The Harbo Effect

Just like Niall Harbison, we're getting shit done (honest).

“There’s some uncertainty in our vertical”

Investors won’t answer our calls. Neither will the bank manager. Even our co-founders are ignoring us at this stage.

“We’ve working on a freemium model”

No one has ever made an in-app purchase but we live in hope.

Pivot

What start-ups call it when they make a mess of things and have to come up with yet another plan B.

“We’re boot-strapping right now”

We’ve been living on Pot Noodles and own-brand red lemonade for months.

Second Round Funding

It’s someone else’s turn to go to the bar.

Disruptive technology

We’ve built a wifi enabled mouse trap that is going to blow the whole rodent-capture market right open.

“The market isn’t ready for us yet”

We’re still deluded enough to believe that our amazing plan to combine wearable food dispensers and day-glo dog collars will be a hit.

“We’re currently in Beta”

We finally have a minimum viable product.