How to navigate the workplace relationship minefield

In 2019 Steve Easterbrook, the chief executive of McDonald’s, was fired for conducting a relationship with a subordinate. His behaviour was deemed to contravene the company’s policy of no personal relationships between managers and more junior staff and this type of office romance ban is by no means unique to McDonald’s.

Similar bans are in force across many sectors and are common policy among large US companies that fear the litigious repercussions of inappropriate or non-consensual interactions. Others stop at an outright ban but have provisos such as a requirement that relationships are flagged to HR and should not happen between individuals working closely together or between managers and those reporting to them. Another variation is the “once only” rule which says it’s okay for employees to ask each other out but they must back off if the invitation is refused.

Workplace romance statistics produced by Forbes show that more than 60 per cent of adults have had an office fling with over 43 per cent ending up in marriage. On the downside, more than half said the relationship adversely affected their performance at work and 35 per cent broke the rules by not disclosing an intimate relationship with a colleague. Fifty per cent of employees said they flirt at work and 40 per cent admitted to cheating on their partner with a co-worker.

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So, before succumbing to the heady intoxication of an office coup de foudre, it may be worth considering the consequences for one’s reputation and professional life if things don’t work out. Dating a colleague will inevitably create office gossip while competition for the same love interest can potentially create profound bad feelings between colleagues. There may also be accusations of partiality and even an alternative interpretation of how someone got their promotion.

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“Studies show that your co-workers are generally positive about it [an office romance] if they perceive that you’re falling in love and genuinely care about each other. It’s when your co-workers sense that something else is in play — that can be disruptive,” Amy Nicole Baker, an associate professor of psychology at University of New Haven, told her TED talk audience as part of The Way We Work series.

On the issue of dating one’s boss, Baker is pretty clear. “In almost all cases, no, you should not date your boss, because now, you’ve got a power dynamic,” she says. “When there’s a relationship between a boss and a subordinate, it generates a lot of negative feelings, and the negative feelings tend to fall on the person who’s lower on the totem pole. People usually assume some kind of favouritism, some kind of inside knowledge, and there can be resentment stirred up by that.”

Dating a subordinate is also a big no-no, Baker adds, “because there’s a power dynamic that’s simply not there for other couples. If you really believe there is a sincere, honestly felt, personal connection that would be lasting and meaningful, one of you may need to move, and it shouldn’t always be the person who’s lower in the company pecking order.”

Employment lawyer Síobhra Rush is a partner in the Dublin office of Lewis Silkin and she usually gets called in when the acrimony generated by a failed romance starts causing problems for the business.

“When companies come to me there’s already trouble in the relationship with a grievance or maybe an allegation of bullying or sexual harassment,” she says. “If things go wrong they can go very, very wrong and that’s often why employers have a policy on workplace relationships. On balance, I think it’s better to have one as it makes the company’s position clear and avoids misunderstandings and the potential for retaliation.”

Some would argue that personal relationships should not concern one’s employer and there is certainly a privacy issue. However, employers are in a difficult position here as they have a duty of care to provide employees with a safe working environment and if a relationship founders this may undermine their ability to protect an employee’s physical and mental wellbeing.

“Ideally, the employment relationship should be based on trust so there needs to be give and take,” Rush says. “A relationship between someone in finance and someone in marketing may not need to be declared because there’s no conflict of interest, but a relationship between two people on the same team probably should be in order to avoid problems later on if it goes bad. Overall though it’s probably best to take a common-sense approach because it’s pretty unrealistic to assume that relationships at work won’t happen, especially among younger workforces where employees are encouraged to bring ‘their whole selves’ into the workplace.”

Workplace dynamics expert Amy Gallo advises checking an employer’s guidelines before embarking on an office romance as some employers even take a dim view of broader workplace relationships between staff and customers or suppliers for example. If you’ve already broken the rules Gallo’s advice is to come clean right away. Second, if it looks like the liaison may go the distance it’s best to be open about it as clandestine relationships often don’t end well and secrecy can undermine relationships with other colleagues.

“Before you jump in, check your motives and consider how others will perceive them,” Gallo says. “Having positive intentions at the start may also help guard against hurt feelings and misunderstandings should the romance eventually end.”