Ugly off-the-ball scenes from All Stars, but Popey is God

TV View:We were talking the other day about the late Jack Lynch, trying to remember exactly how many All-Ireland medals the former Taoiseach had won.

"Jack Lynch," asked the Young Person who was listening in, "the tunnel?"

These are the moments in one's life when one realises age is advancing at much too ferocious a rate of knots. You know yourself, the same kind of feeling that swamps you when you spot a garda who looks as aged as the Milky Bar Kid.

We did, of course, clarify that Jack Lynch wasn't named after the tunnel, it was the other way around.

And while we were at it, no, Barney Rock and Jack O'Shea haven't always been backing singers - and we use the word as loosely as the libel laws will allow - for David Jinksy Beggy. They were rather useful sportsmen in their youth.

"Hurlers, were they?"

In fairness, having watched Jacko and Barney perform The Lion Sleeps Tonight, the pair all jungled up and prowling and growling towards the audience with all the menace of an inebriated butterfly, grunting "Huh ha wey ha wey ha wey ha wey huh" while Jinksy did the high-pitched wailing, it was probably difficult to imagine them ever being footballing kings.

And that was even before these GAA All Stars jogged on stage on Saturday night, to the strains of Good Lookin' Woman, with shirts open to their belly buttons and medallions dangling provocatively, hips swivelling so suggestively that even the Nasty Judge was moved to tell them that "every woman in the country will want to ride ye".

This drew an appreciative thumbs up from Jacko, but Barney's cheeks reddened a touch, flushing a little more when he was told he had "become the Robbie Williams of the All Stars".

At half-time in the Dublin v Derry match on Saturday, Colm O'Rourke suggested that "Barney, Jacko and Jinxy should be put in front of Hill 16 to sing a song", as if the folk on the Hill haven't had their minds altered enough this summer by miscellaneous substances (allegedly).

It's difficult to know in the history of the Hill which would have been the more disturbing sight: Jacko, decked in green and gold, rampaging towards them, ball in hand, or Jacko, decked in nothing but a fig leaf, rampaging towards them, grunting "Huh ha wey ha wey ha wey ha wey huh".

But despite having reservations about the sporting icons of our youth semi-nakedly grunting "Huh ha wey ha wey ha wey ha wey huh" at us from our telly screens, we've enjoyed Charity You're A Star, apart from that shocking moment Brent Pope was voted off. If you can honestly tell us that you didn't melt at the knees when Brent looked in to the camera and purred Can't Take My Eyes Off of You, then you left your heart in San Francisco, or such like.

In many ways, until now, Brent was the Andrew Ridgley to George Hook's George Michael, and we're not, lest the lawyers get twitchy, talking Los Angeles public toilets here, more that business about one half of a partnership being somewhat overshadowed by the other.

Brent, in our humble opinion, narrowed the gap when he wrote Arnold the Noseless Anteater (a children's book, if you didn't know), but it was, perhaps, the moment he forgot the air and words of Fly Me to the Moon, but sang it anyway, that made us think his moment had come.

George (Hook, not Michael) has some ground to make up: Brent is God.

Anyway, we couldn't take our eyes off of the telly all weekend, now that the Premiership (okay, the Premier League) is back. Setanta, Sky, BBC, RTÉ, there's actually no end to it, and we're not convinced this is a good thing.

But we still managed to miss the best bit, which was Paul Merson's description of Blackburn's first goal on Saturday, on Sky Sport's Soccer Saturday. Mr Larry, one of the very large brains behind the very wonderful Dangerhere.com, told us he heard Merse describe Roque Santa Cruz's effort thus: "He's rose like a fish."

Phil Thompson asked Merse for some clarification.

"Well, a salmon - that's a fish, innit," explained Merse, who last season, you should know, said of an England performance that "too many players looked like fish on trees", while complaining that Arsenal's Alexandre Song, in a game against Fulham, looked like "a fish up a tree".

If he were working for Bord Iascaigh Mhara we'd understand, but he's not. So we don't.