The 1998 Book of Rugby Prophecy

January

Rumour goes out that the AIB All-Ireland League has resumed. IRFU sends out search party to check veracity of rumour. Judgement suspended. Yours truly correctly predicts one of the outcomes (St Mary's to beat Clontarf?). Simon Geoghegan makes comeback. Somebody remembers that the European Cup and Conference finals are being played. ERC Ltd issue statement confirming this and send out search party to look for finalists.

February

SKY announces changes in Five Nations format. Dancing girls will play the first half; players the second. Matches will be played at Old Trafford and Anfield on successive nights as prelude to Premiership soccer games.

The Three Wise Men make eight changes for team to play Scotland. Scotland for once make better fist of losing than Ireland. Ireland win in classic demonstration of 15-man game. Don Wheleone says this is the nucleus of Irish team for 1999 World Cup. Ireland are backed down to evens for Triple Crown.

March

The Three Wise Men pick the same team for the second game running. Hired psychologists examine Irish squad for collective state of shock. Say there's enough there for weekend conference.

Ireland lose in Paris anyway by some sort of record score. Flash Brian (Ashton) says Ireland's try was manifestation/vindication of game they are seeking to play "and was better than any of the seven tries France scored". The psychologists give up the lucrative day job and concentrate on Irish rugby team. Millions waged on Ireland's Triple Crown chances. The Three Wise Men make 12 changes for home game against Wales. Ireland lose and request that all future meetings with the Welsh take place in Cardiff. Welsh say "thanks, but no thanks".

Schools Cup finals restore faith in Irish rugby-mankind-environment-tiger-economysliced pan.

April

The Three Wise Men make another 10 changes for trip to Twickenham. Jim Staples plays first game of season for Harlequins seconds and is made Irish captain. Brendan Mullin comes out of retirement and adds to his Irish record. Irish squad meeting goes something like: "Hi, my name is Paddy/Keith/Michael/Jim and I'm an Irish rugby player." England beat Ireland by some sort of record score.

Players sing: "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when." Flash Brian is let off the remaining four years of his contract, for good behaviour. Ned Van Esbeck comes out of retirement to get the scoop. IRFU puts out contract on Don Wheleone which is carried out by Luca Lenihan. The Don and Flash sleep with the fishes.

After England's Grand Slam, the English RFU announce withdrawal from Five Nations on grounds that they didn't make enough money/competition wasn't strong enough and announce 20-Test series against All Blacks.

Meantime, back at 62 Lansdowne Road, Noisy (Murphy) takes up office, Luca takes over as manager of Irish team, (Kenny) Sonny Murphy is made Irish coach and Mikey Bradley is made his assistant. Frank Hogan detects a Cork Con plot, but keeps it to himself.

Record crowds attend AIL semi-finals and final, where Terenure meet Shannon.

May-June

London Irish are relegated. IRFU lead celebrations. Irish squad go to South Africa, never to be seen again. Noisy and Luca issue joint statement saying it's all part of the "lurning curve".

England are thrashed around New Zealand, losing both tests but not their superiority complex. English media says Clive Woodward must go. European Unions announce new, extended 12-month season - starting last month.

July

Noisy and Luca meet with players and their agents to discuss vexed issue of new contracts - and make the players an offer they can't refuse. There are bonuses for completing 60 games in a season and amid much sniggering they also offer players £1,000 per try bonus and are taken to hospital in convulsions of laughter.

About 10 months too late, IRFU announce provincial contracts - six full-timers each and 200 part-timers each on a pack of Buttons and a Mars Bar - for new season. Mike Tyson has his licence renewed and joins Young Munster. Nick Popplewell joins London Irish/Moseley/Carlow. Five more Garryowen men win elite contracts. The IRFU send out a search party to establish if Ulster still has a rugby team.

August

Connacht win interprovincials. Every new baby boy in Galway is christened Warren. Gatland statue in Eyre Square becomes major tourist landmark.

September

Euro Cup starts. Players-coaches-reporters say season is too long-arduous-demanding-fragmented.

October/November

Holland win at Lansdowne Road to jeopardise Ireland's World Cup qualifying hopes. Gatland leads public rising, as fans storm 62 Lansdowne Road. Luca and the incumbent `family', Noisy, Uncle Tom, Sonny, Mikey, Ray Caughleone (all, funnily enough, Con men) flee by helicopter from the back lawn. Password into 62 Lansdowne Road is "g'day" as Kiwis complete coup of Union. Gatland coaches Ireland to 15-12 win over Portugal. And picks same team (Galwegians/Connacht in disguise) two games running! The Irish Times heralds "a new dawn".

AIB AIL starts again. Ssshhh. Don't tell anyone. Galwegians beat Shannon, St Mary's and Terenure in first three matches.

December

England play 10 successive Test matches. Lose nine, draw the last 36-all against South Africa under lights in Villa Park and are installed by English bookmakers/media as 1999 World Cup favourites.

Clive Woodward is anointed by British media and says: "whooaaa Betsy!" But it's too late.

Wales lose to South Africa in Newcastle. Galwegians/Connacht/Ireland win Eurovision Song Contest after beating South Africa 33-10 at Lansdowne Road with tries by Billy Mulcahy and Willie Ruane (from a 15-man line-out and a 15man scrum) - Eric Elwood kicks the other 23 points.

Ulster win European Cup. Connacht win European Conference. Simon Geoghegan makes comeback. Yours truly gets another forecast right (Shannon to beat Old Belvedere?).