Songs that stink

Planet Football: When people think Grimsby then tend to think fish, hence the team's supporters having to endure choruses of "you stink of fish and you know you do" wherever they go.

They take it well, though - indeed, they even have their own Grimsby Town Fish Song which, to the tune of Bring Me Sunshine, goes like this: "Bring me salmon in your smile, Bring me haddock all the while, In this world where we live, There should be more halibut . . . . may your shark be as warm, As the squid up above, Bring me sardines, bring me pilchards, Bring me Cod!" And, last week, Grimsby supporters dusted down an old favourite, one they first sang when England won the 2003 rugby World Cup: "Swim Low, Sweet Halibut." Class.

Quotes of the week

"I was disappointed with Russia at Wembley and I'm disappointed with them here tonight, they've hardly caused any problems for England."

- BBC Radio 5live's Chris Waddle six minutes before Russia equalised in Moscow. And nine minutes before they got the winner.

"Paul will be a big loss to us because he has done very well so far. It's frustrating having to watch games from the stand when you are suspended - and I should know."

- Roy Keane, evidently relating to Paul McShane's mood at the start of his three-match suspension.

"Had I not become a footballer I think I would have been a virgin."

- Poor old Peter Crouch suspects it's not his good looks that are making him a babe magnet.

"Bolton are not a Chelsea or a club from London."

- When Jason McAteer played in Stamford Bridge all those times what city did he think he was in? Norwich?

"Can you imagine how much stick I get over my hair?"

- Stephen Hunt. True enough, Stephen Ireland must look at Hunty's head and think 'the goods of the world are unevenly spread'.

"If we can't beat San Marino then there is something badly wrong. There are no easy games in international football, but I will go as far to say that is one of them."

- Craig Bellamy - just before Wales scraped a 2-1 win over San Marino. Imagine? Only 2-1?

"There cannot be a less popular character in football . . . he has to be the biggest whinger to have taken charge of a football team . . . his foul-mouthed tirades expose his lack of intelligence and self-control . . . his obsession with referees is almost perverse . . . it's a shame he does not love football half as much as he loves himself."

- Retired referee Graham Poll wishes Neil Warnock all the best as he starts life as Crystal Palace manager.

Singing the blues

It was, we suppose, inevitable. Word has it that Manchester City fans can currently be heard singing this tune: "Stephen Ireland is a blue, is a blue, is a blue, Stephen Ireland is a blue, He hates grannies."

Don't get your cat in a flap To be honest we were a bit confused when a pal recommended a new internet football magazine by the name of Catflap. When we typed in http://www.catflap.com/ we were greeted with a range of pet accessories, including a dog door flap "suitable for Labradors, German Shepherds and other large dogs" - so large, in fact, that a burglar could fit himself, your telly, your DVD recorder and fridge freezer through it.

Anyway, our mistake was not to include 'mag' in the address - ie www.catflapmag.com - so be warned. The latest edition of the magazine (it was launched last month) includes a quite splendid photo showing two of football's most famous perms (belonging to Paul Breitner and Kevin Keegan - see pic above) meeting up before a game between Bayern Munich and Hamburg in 1979. Tell you what, they'd never have fit through that dog flap.

More quotes of the week

"It's unfortunate that I've been personally linked with the appointment."

- FAI chief executive John Delaney getting right behind Steve Staunton in his hour of need.

"Certainly the chief executive can't play on an international football pitch and score goals, if I could I'd love to."

- Delaney again. Expect to see him partnering Robbie Keane up front against Wales.

"That's evened things up a bit."

- As Football 365 put it, "Sky Sports pundit David Platt considers the implications of Russia's equaliser". For this they awarded him their "No S**t Sherlock" gong of the week.

"A sense of resignation sunk over us and my initial feeling . . . was to feel alone. It was almost like being an orphan after the departure of a father."

- Didier Drogba on how he took news of Jose Mourinho's Chelsea exit. Bless him.

"Sam (Allardyce) would be a fool to let it happen and the guy who goes in would be a fool to accept it. The chairman, who is not a fool, would be a fool to go and do it too."

- Kevin Keegan dismisses talk of him returning to Newcastle as director of football. He's nobody fool, then.

"Another five-star hotel, boys. Here we are in Rimini now. Look out the window, if the waves are making a noise in the evening, just phone down and we'll see if we can move you over to one of the rooms on the other side of the hotel."

- Do you think John Toshack has tired of spending time in the company of his Welsh players?

"The positive for me is I am an all-around talent. I have no weakness. This, in combination with experience and my understanding of the game, is my main advantage over young 'keepers."

- Jens Lehmann, just before he was dropped from the Arsenal squad at the weekend.

Elementary my dear Holmes

According to the Sunday Peoplesports betting tipster Derek McGovern is no longer being invited on Eamon Holmes' radio show after a series of rather offensive quips and giggles. On one occasion McGovern referred to Andriy Shevchenko and Ronaldinho thus: "one grew up in the shadow of Chernobyl, the other looks like he did".

Oh. Lord.