TV View: Ireland’s Magic Johnston hoping they can play Gibraltar every week

There was a bit of a notion ahead of this game that the nation’s football fans were looking forward to it much like they might anticipate, say, root canal treatment, that their only yearning was for this qualifying campaign to end and be consigned to the dustbin of history.

But look it, the possibility of a victory against a team made up of pet food tasters, acupuncturists, undertakers, flower arrangers and meteorologists [Editor: none of this is true] made it a night that might actually be quite enjoyable - there even being the prospect of a flurry of Irish goals.

[ Ken Early: Results didn’t match rhetoric, but at least Stephen Kenny went down trying ]

Still, there seemed to be a recognition from the national broadcaster that those steadfast enough to be tuning in to the game had been through the mill, the message on screen reading: “Help and support information is available on the RTÉ website.”

It could be that something bad had happened in Home and Away immediately before the game, and if so apologies, but a lot of bad things have happened since this campaign got underway last March, so the offer of help and support was welcome.

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There was, at least, some good news for Stephen Kenny on the team news front, neither Didi Hamann nor Ronnie Whelan selected by RTÉ for the game.

Didi is many things, a Stephen Kenny fan not one of them, while Ronnie struggles to get excited about World Cup finals, never mind about, say, ‘The Battle to avoid finishing Bottom of the Group’ in a tenth-full Estádio Algarve against a team made up of horticulturists, dental hygienists, grave-diggers, constructions workers and barbers [Editor: none of this is true].

“It’s probably fair to say, things can only get better,” said Peter Collins. “The only way is up,” Shay Given agreed. “They’ll win today,” Stephen Kelly promised. “There’s nothing to fear from this Gibraltar side,” Peter added.

That class of talk would, of course, leave you nervous. This Gibraltar side might be made of mechanics, bricklayers, stenographers, nail technicians and high court judges [Editor: none of this is true], but you take them for granted at your peril. As Stephen Kenny told Tony O’Donoghue, “it’s dangerous to assume anything”.

By Darragh Maloney’s estimation, there were roughly five Gibraltarians in the ground and in or around 3,000 Irish fans, the bulk of them no doubt making their way from Paris to witness proper football. And they only had to wait eight-ish minutes before Evan Ferguson got in Gibraltar’s head by doing what the nation expects Evan Ferguson to do: he scored.

And while it was a grind in the ensuing 20 minutes, Chiedozie Ogbene, sort of Ireland’s Hugo Keenan, and Matt Doherty, sort of Ireland’s Cian Healy, worked their wonders on the right again to set up Mikey Johnston, sort of Ireland’s Mack Hansen. 2-0.

“Can we play Gibraltar every month,” asked Shay at half-time. The truth is, we nearly do. But he was semi-chuffed, and doffed his cap to the scorer of Ireland’s second goal. “I call him Magic Johnston, I don’t know if I’m getting ahead of myself.” Fire away Shay, fire away, we need all the magic we can muster.

The second half was a slow burner, until Jamie McGrath performed some acrobatics to set Doherty up for the third goal. “He learnt that in Athboy,” said Darragh of his assist. And then Athboy worked its magic all over again when McGrath’s wand placed the ball on Callum Robinson’s head. It looked a little bit off-side-ish, but, perhaps feeling our campaign pain, VAR said: ‘Go on then.’

And look it, you’d take 4-0, even when the opposition was made up of air traffic controllers, librarians, taxidermists, epidemiologists, stonemasons and lifeguards [Editor: none of this is true]. Damn it, you’d take 1-0 against an XI made up of the living dead.

Peter showed us the group table come full-time, Ireland just the 12 points behind the French, but, mercifully, six clear of Gibraltar in the battle to avoid finishing bottom of the group.

Only the Dutch in Amsterdam next. And then we’re done.

Remember, help and support is available on the RTÉ website. But an outstanding campaign, a thrill-a-minute. [Editor: none of this is true].