Sky darkens over Woodward as Roaring Pundits cut loose

TV View: We're beginning to sense that we are the sole members of the Clive Woodward fan club, that when we have our next annual convention a portaloo will be sufficient to accommodate all those willing to put in an appearance.

We could be wrong, we are, after all, less than au fait with rugby matters, but on Saturday we detected an ever so slight degree of dissatisfaction amongst the telly folk with Clive's performance in New Zealand.

"There's no one who can be blamed," said Stuart Barnes, for example, "other than CLIVE WOODWARD".

Clive - and this is why we'll have nothing said against him - came out fighting. "It's actually been a successful tour, despite what's been written and said," he told Sky Sports' Graham Simmons, a declaration that left the pundits so speechless back in the studio presenter Simon Lazenby had no option but to take a break, while Sky's medical team searched for smelling salts to revive them.

Earlier Clive had poured a bucket of lukewarmish water over the assumption he will working alongside 'Arry Redknapp at Southampton next season, but if he decides to take up the job we're looking forward to him telling the club's chairman, after losing all their Championship games, securing relegation by Christmas Day, that "it's actually been a successful season, despite what's been written and said".

"Time to dispense with the spin," said Lazenby, "how will this tour be remembered?"

"As a disaster," said Dewi Morris, who, as a Sky Sports employee, mustn't be quite sure where to hide his face after all that "Roaring Lions" pre-tour hype his channel treated us to. Sometimes, perhaps like the Lions coach, you just invite a fall.

Speaking of Clive. He half intimated to Simmons the All Blacks were just a different class. "To be frank, was the coaching of a different class as well?" asked Simmons. Clive's nostrils flared with indignation, but Simmons clearly had had enough.

And you wouldn't blame the thousands of folk from these isles who made their costly way to New Zealand for the tour if they'd had enough too. The Guardian's Barry Glendenning paid tribute to these supporters by describing them as "boorish, deck-shoe-wearing City boys" and "floppy-fringed imbeciles".

In turn the News of the World's Martin Samuel, guesting on Sky's Sunday Supplement yesterday, paid tribute to Glendenning by describing him as "an idiot", echoing the Telegraph's Paul Hayward's response that the City boys should use Glendenning as "the ball in a giant ruck".

See? Everyone losing their heads. Who'd have thought rugby was only a game?

"They're all British and they're wonderful," said Samuel of the supporters. "And Irish," he added. (Thank you).

Mick Dennis of the Daily Express agreed, and bemoaned the fact they got no reward for their loyalty and enthusiasm. And his summing up of Clive's performance led us to half assume he won't be squeezing in to that portaloo with us next time around.

Incidentally, that Sunday Supplement programme we're talking about is actually called Jimmy Hill's Sunday Supplement, but there was no sign of Jimmy yesterday.

It's like when they used to introduce "CBS Evening News with Dan Rather", but Dan wouldn't be there, so we could never figure out why they misled us in to believing that he would be part of our world that night.

Any way, Jimmy was probably playing golf. That seems to be really all football people do during the summer, that and acquiring suntans that make them look like they've been dipped in caramel.

In fairness, some football people do constructive things during the summer, like sign players.

"We have signed Jose Reina, the best goalkeeper in Spain, Mark Gonzales, the best player in Chile, and Antonio Barragan," said Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez last week. "Chucks, thanks," poor auld Antonio must have thought.

And another football personality has done considerably more than play golf this summer - telly pundit and former Wimbledon player Robbie Earle. Where did he turn up on Saturday? Strictly African Dancing on the BBC. Doing an "authentic Zulu warrior dance" too. If they get around to Strictly Irish Dancing we want to see Johnny Giles, complete with ringlets, Riverdancing across our screens. We'd even pay-per-view for it.

"Wimbledon could scare people on and off the pitch so in some ways there are similarities between what Wimbledon did as the Crazy Gang and the Zulus," said Robbie.

A slur, we felt. On the Zulus, that is.