Quotes of the week

"It would be glib of me to say it is easy to score a hat-trick against the Poles, and Paul Scholes' reminded me of my own against them in the World Cup in Mexico in 1986."

- Gary Lineker being glib in the Sunday Telegraph.

The football in Scotland is fantastic but life in Scotland, to me, is depressive . . . they say it's a beautiful country but I have yet to see it. In seven months here, I have not visited a shop and I have been to the Highlands once."

- Rangers manager Dick Advocaat, in an interview with a Dutch magazine last week.

"Scotland has a lot to offer - perhaps he should get out a bit more.["]

- A Scottish Tourist Board spokeswoman strikes back.

"Right now he's one of the most outstanding - if not the most outstanding - midfield player in England."

- Scotland manager Craig Brown on . . . Coventry's Gary McAllister. Mmm.

"It is such a relief after all the recent troubles."

- It gives you some idea of how grim life in Turkey was for Kevin Campbell that he views his move to Everton as a welcome relief.

"When I cut out the Hoddle gags everything is fine, so now I've sent him off and brought on Stan Collymore - it's far more cost-effective."

- Essex comedian Kev Harty, revealing that after he told Glenn Hoddle jokes in his shows all kinds of weird things happened him on his way home - e.g. a rock on the road bounced up and dented the bonnet of his car; his windscreen was shattered; he's had punctures, a snapped fan belt, the exhaust pipe fell off and the clutch has failed. Maybe you just need a new car Kev.

Sky Sports' Richard Keys: "But the move deserved a goal, didn't it?" Trevor Francis: "Oh Yes."

- Keys and Francis agreeing on Saturday that even though England's Paul Scholes hand-passed his second goal in to the net the quality of the preceding move merited a score. Diego Maradona will be chuckling to himself.

"Kevin is my gift to the nation."

- Fulham owner Mohamed Al Fayed gift-wraps Kevin Keegan, gives him to the FA and certainly does not expect a passport in return.

"Once we realised the mistake we ended the interview and the programme continued as normal."

- A BBC spokeswoman on Saturday's Sport on Five mix-up when presenter Ian Payne thought he was conducting a live interview with Tommy Boyd, the Celtic and Scotland defender. Instead he was asking Tommy Boyd, the breakfast radio host, former children's TV presenter and dolphin trainer, for his thoughts on the England v Poland match. Blush.

"I'm fed up with English life, the lack of sun, the setting in general."

- Arsenal midfielder Emmanuel Petit steps up his campaign to get a move to Italy during the summer.

"Now that the match has been postponed, I am convinced we would have crushed them."

- Croatian coach Miroslav Blazevic, after his country's game against Yugoslavia was called off. He would say that, wouldn't he?