Poor Lions never stood a chance with their boyband names

TV VIEW:IT WAS hard not to fear the worst when the teams introduced themselves to Sky Sports' viewers on Saturday afternoon. First up, South Africa, with formidable names like Bismarck, Bakkies and Heinrich. Then the Lions, with boyband names like Lee, Tommy and Jamie. Oh for a Behemoth Bowe, Cyclops Croft or Hannibal Heaslip, just to let the Springboks at least think they were in for a game.

By then Sky had interviewed Victor Matfield, all 6ft 7ins of him, and unwisely reminded him of Willie John McBride’s prediction that Paul O’Connell would “boss” him during the first Test. Matfield, kind of a cross between Charles Manson and Conan the Barbarian, smiled sweetly – if a little sinisterly – and thanked Willie John for the added motivation.

Foreboding, that’s the word. At this point you sensed Sky was about to succeed where David Attenborough had failed for the last 50 years, ie acquire footage of springboks hunting down and gobbling lions.

But the panel remained undaunted, if a little apprehensive, hopeful that the Lions could open with a win to vindicate the channel’s build-up to the series, one that gave us the sense we were all in the same boat, heading for the beaches of Normandy.

D-Day in Durban saw the Sky panel sitting in the gods of the Absa Stadium, a very lovely location in terms of the panoramic view it offered our host, Simon Lazenby, and his guests, Paul Wallace, Ieuan Evans and Will Greenwood. But while it might have seemed like a good idea at the time somebody forgot about that big yellowy blob that would, inevitably, hover above them.

“During the break I’m going to have to get some sun cream on my little ginger neck,” said Simon. Paul, Ieuan and Will nodded with empathy, those nods generating showers of perspiration akin to the spray from a particularly hairy Golden Retriever after he shakes himself upon exiting the ocean.

Alas, though, South Africa hardly broke into a sweat on their way to a substantial early lead.

“A full-scale sporting disaster zone,” said Stuart Barnes of the Lions’ scrum and lineout, in which Conan Manson appeared to be quite motivated.

Nineteen-seven at half-time. Gobbled. “The Lions are being systematically dismantled,” sighed Simon, sighs that were echoed by the three lobsters on his panel, who appeared to have ousted Paul, Ieuan and Will during the first half.

It got worse. “This is a fully-fledged humiliation of the Lions’ pack,” said Barnes, noting that Tendai “The Beast” Mtawarira – now that’s a seriously proper name – was gorging himself on lion meat.

But then – not to be too technical about it – a mad thing happened: the Lions fought back, as if someone had reminded them that gazelle-type creatures were there for the guzzling.

It wasn’t to be in the end, but the fightback at least allowed Simon to be excited about the second Test, the beaches of Normandy still landable. “Keep your spirits up everyone,” he beamed, prompting the lobsters to excitedly clap their claws.

The week’s most brutal of sporting battles, though, took place yesterday. At times barbaric, the contestants – Sphinx Spillane and Bigfoot Brolly – worked the referee, Leviathan Lyster, overtime, the bad post-Derry v Monaghan blood between the pair finally splattering all over our screens.

Brolly, being a man of the law, had represented Derry’s Fergal Doherty in his quest to have his eight-week suspension reduced after he had been sent off against Monaghan. Lyster suggested this represented a conflict of interests, there being room for only one hat on his head: that of the analyst or the lawyer.

Spillane reckoned, through his dual mandate, Brolly was “running with the hare and hunting with the hounds”, his representation of Doherty highlighting “what is wrong with the disciplinary procedures in the GAA”. “There is no acceptance of guilt and the first thing is always ‘let’s find a way out’ . . . everything is a loophole.”

“That is completely wrong, that is typical of you,” said RTÉ’s Rumpole of the Bailey, jabbing his finger in the direction of the Sphinx. “I bet you, Pat, you don’t even know the rules!”

At half-time (oh – it was Derry v Tyrone) Spillane dismissed the contest as “vin ordinaire” – “you wouldn’t be ordering a second bottle” – a comment that nigh on popped Brolly’s cork. “There are so many contradictions in what you just said, I have no idea what you actually said,” he snapped, crackled – and popped.

Second half. Derry’s Kevin McGuckin was sent off. “I think we have another job for Joe next week,” said a giggling Pat. Joe said nothing, but you sensed he wanted to insert his Bigfoot into the Sphinx’s mouth.