Planet Football

Quotes of the Year: 200530: "The winner of the Premier League will come from a small bunch of one." - Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon, downplaying expectations at Stamford Bridge.

29: "With all the years I spent at college I thought I would master the local language at Rangers. The only trouble was everyone spoke with a Scottish accent . . . there was nothing I could understand when people asked me questions. I tried my hardest to grasp the meaning of what they were saying but it proved impossible. In my first few days there I found it utterly depressing."

- French defender Jean-Alain Boumsong on his wee difficulties with the local lingo in Glasgow.

28: "In retrospect, of course I regret calling them morons. Imbeciles would have been more appropriate."

- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan almost apologises to Charlton supporters.

27: "Will it be ready in time for the game? I'm not Bob the Builder, I'm Micky the Manager."

- Micky Adams, on being asked if Coventry's new stadium would be ready in time for their game against QPR.

26: "If you keep looking backwards in football you'll fall flat on your face."

- Nicky Butt performs some bodily gymnastics.

25: "He is the best. He reminds me of me."

- Pele pays tribute to Robinho. And himself.

24: "I was worried about the fans' reaction at Wrexham, but it was understandable: they were close to losing their best player."

- Steven Gerrard talking about, well, Steven Gerrard.

23: "They don't know what honesty or loyalty is. They're the biggest scum that walk on this planet and, if they weren't football players, most of them would be in prison. It's as simple as that."

- Former Spurs chairman Alan Sugar, missing his day-to-day dealings with footballers.

22: "Ken Bates has never been afraid to shirk any responsibilities."

- We're still not certain, but we think Norman Hunter was attempting to pay tribute to Leeds' new owner.

21: "Everybody wants to beat England and that's what the manager can't get hold of. He's Swedish for crying out loud. The man's like a wet fish. He's got as much passion as a tadpole. He's useless. For me, playing for England against other countries is like modern-day war."

- Ian Wright on Sven-Goran Eriksson. If his stepson, Shaun Wright-Phillips, fails to make the World Cup squad, he'll know why.

20: "When Pele's quiet he's a poet, but he just talks shit. On the field he was the greatest player in history, he was our king, but he should put a shoe in his mouth."

- Romario on his admiration for another Brazilian legend.

19: "That was brutal, an awful, awful game. I said to them last week that I'd like them to win ugly and they certainly won ugly today. That was the ugliest thing I've seen since the ugly sisters fell out the ugly tree."

- Terry Butcher reflecting on Motherwell's win at Falkirk, in a game that wasn't pretty, by all accounts.

18: "I don't want to put pressure on him, but I don't think I've ever seen anything like him."

- Alan Thompson keeps the pressure off his Celtic team-mate Aiden McGeady, in so sense at all.

17: "I could have stayed, but would have broken my neck with all the high balls."

- Anders Svensson, gutted to be leaving Southampton and their brand of beautiful football.

16: "When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent."

- Arsene Wenger blows a kiss toward Stamford Bridge.

15: "I can offer a service at full-back - I did it sometimes with Liverpool - but I'm not always at my best there. I think it's a bit like Picasso painting with his left hand: he can do it, but it's not the same picture."

- The artist currently known as Stephane Henchoz.

14: "You should only say good things when somebody leaves. Robert has gone - good!"

- Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd bidding a non-tearful adieu to Portsmouth-bound Laurent Robert.

13: "If he's not sure then he should take time - but the most important thing is we want him to do it quickly."

- Alex Ferguson sends somewhat mixed messages to Rio Ferdinand, who was mulling over a new contract offer at the time.

12: "We don't set ourselves sights, but we know what we've got to aim for."

- Spurs and England goalkeeper Paul Robinson . . .

11: "As England goalkeeper you are always there to be shot at."

- . . . and Robinson makes it a double.

10: "I'd been ill and hadn't trained for a week and I'd been out of the team for three weeks before that, so I wasn't sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I'm not one to make excuses."

- Clinton Morrison. No excuses, then.

9: "The balls don't help the goalkeepers - they go left, they go right, it can be difficult."

- Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek who, to be honest, can also struggle when the balls come straight at him.

8: "The defender was so laid-back there he was almost vertical."

- Frank Stapleton, horizontal on TV3.

7: "If AC Milan can score three goals in the first half, why not Liverpool in the second?"

- ITV's Gabby Yorath at half-time in the Champions League final. It's the way she tells 'em.

6: "They could put a parking meter next to Alan Hansen and I'd find it more interesting watching it click round."

- Rodney Marsh kind of pays tribute to Hansen's Match of the Day team-mate, Peter Schmeichel.

5: "I always say it's like having a table with three legs and you need to get one more which will fit properly. You want a certain size, the right size, but people may be saying: 'Have this one, it's cheaper and it's better at this or that.' But what use is that if it doesn't fit?"

- Rafa Benitez on plans to strengthen his Liverpool squad by purchasing a table leg.

4: "I know we've been poor defensively, but let's not just focus on the five at the back please. If we do, they'll shit themselves with fear."

- Athletic Bilbao coach Javier Clemente, reluctant to discuss his nervy rearguard.

3: "This man - what's his name? The number 10, the small one who doesn't play in the Real Madrid first team, who sits on the bench every week . . . this guy thinks he is the king. But who is Michael Owen? What has he ever won? . . . I don't want to discuss this midget any more."

- Azerbaijan coach Carlos Alberto, when asked to list Michael Owen's attributes.

2: "He's obviously really tall."

- Michael Owen, when asked to list Peter Crouch's attributes.

1: "I remember Giants Stadium and the flags from all over Ireland . . . Donegal, Dunkirk, Mayo."

- Tony Cascarino, as spotted by the folk at DangerHere.com. And to think we believed Mark Draper's "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona," would never be beaten.