Planet Football

Trained furniture mover:We've taken a serious shine to Ipswich's French midfielder Sylvain Legwinski after his Q&A in the London Times.

Asked if he was "the only footballer in England who doesn't drive a black Range Rover Sport" the former Fulham man displayed a charming indifference to all this car-obsession business: "I used to have an old Volkswagen Golf that I kept for a long time but I sold it about two years ago and I bought a Mini. I think it's cream." See? He doesn't even know what colour his mini is.

Better still was his response to a question about his time in the French Army. "Were you trained to kill," they asked him. You'd imagine he'd have replied "bien sur", in a slightly menacing way. Not so. "No way," he said. "I was in a special high-level unit for sportsmen as part of my national service. We did a bit of shooting but nothing really tense or serious. I spent most of the time moving furniture." Who Dares Shifts Sofas?

Quotes of the week

"I think I have a naive team. They are naive because they are pure and they are clean. We do not have divers, we do not have people diving into swimming pools we do not have violent people, we do not have nasty tackles."

Jose Mourinho renames Chelsea the Snow White XI.

"If Chelsea are naive and pure then I'm Little Red Riding Hood."

Rafa Benitez's response to Stamford Bridge's Big Bad Wolf.

"I've found all the shops in London that I like - this city has everything a person could need."

Younes Kaboul, Spurs' new French defender, explaining why he joined the club. And there was Roy blaming the WAGs.

"I got a letter last year from a Spurs fan, he said I took a corner and I looked at them and smiled and he said it was anti-Semitic, the way I looked at them. Incredible. I felt like writing back and saying: 'I'm not anti-Semitic - if I was, I'm hardly likely to announce it in front of 30,000 at White Hart Lane, of all places'."

Frank Lampard on his strange pen pal.

"You get it all the time, players who say 'I've got 50 jerseys in my garage'. I think 'Yeah, brilliant, but how many medals have you got?'."

Roy Keane explaining why he's banned his players from seeking the shirts of more illustrious opponents. He'd like them to seek out points instead.

Eh? right so

Football 365 were having a bit of a go last week at Sky Sports News and the quality of their experts. One of the examples they cited was the response of former England goalkeeper Nigel Martyn to the question "Why do you think David James is always labelled 'Calamity'?" "I think it comes from his surname, that bit," he said.

Hmm, maybe they have a point.

Crying ringtone

We hope for his new Chelsea team-mates' sake Juliano Belletti's mobile phone doesn't ring too often when he's in their company. Why? Its ringtone is the sound of his son Dianluca crying. Honest.

More quotes of the week

"If my missus went to Spain and I saw pictures of her, I would be gutted, but I would always realise she would come back. She speaks French, Dutch, English - but not Spanish, so she couldn't talk to the bugger. So she would come back to me."

Martin Jol explaining he was confident Spurs chairman Daniel Levy would return to his arms after a brief fling with Seville's non-English-speaking coach, Juande Ramos.

"You can have an argument with someone and those people are always the ones who greet me with big hugs and wet kisses. I want to be close to the players in the football sense. But I don't want to get too close to them, because then I could be weak. And I am not a weak man."

Jol again, this time on his peculiar relationship with his players.

"Berbatov loves me, even though that is a strange thing to say, but that is what he tells me . . . I'm confident he'll be here on September 1st - I had one approach and I said 'I'd rather die than sell him'."

Jol yet agin. First his "missus" has a fling in Spain, now Berbatov is flirting with Alex Ferguson. Poor lad.

"You only sing when you're at weddings."

Motherwell fans in the direction of their opponents from Gretna.

"I hate everything that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength."

Diego Maradona, on a visit to Venezuela, somewhat lessens his chances of getting an MLS managerial post.

Even more quotes of the week

"I wouldn't like to upset him (Roy Keane) too often. Everything is done at the right time and on time. I think everyone leaves an hour early for training in case there is traffic. You wouldn't want to be late."

Craig Gordon on the reign of terror at Sunderland.

"Santa Cruz is coming to town."

Blackburn fans serenade their latest hero, Roque Santa Cruz.

"Some of the words are unpronounceable when you've got a set of teeth like mine."

Chris Coleman, the new manager of Real Sociedad, on his problems learning Spanish.

"We are like the primary school boys walking into the secondary school for the first time and finding out who the bully boys are."

Derby manager Billy Davies on getting beaten up in the playground every week.

"The boss told us that he had been assured that the pitch was in perfect condition, but the truth is anyone who plays on that pitch has got a good chance of killing themselves."

Spain's Xavi on the dangers presented by the Greek pitch they played on in last Wednesday's international. Was it peppered with land mines?

Highway robbery

The award for the Most Honest Gaffer of the Week goes to: Mick McCarthy. Speaking after Wolves 2-1 win over Blackpool he said: "I feel like Dick Turpin after getting away with highway robbery. I cannot think of one thing we did better than Blackpool - apart from putting the ball in the net. We have got away with murder and I bet the cops will be coming to see me on Monday morning. We were absolutely rubbish." Hats off Mick.