Planet Football

Young Duff from Bally B: We're always pleased to get news of ESPN football commentator Tommy Smyth, the man from Knockbridge, Co Louth, so we're indebted to Longford native Mark, who now lives in Chicago, for getting in touch.

In the past Tommy has given us such gems as "Venegoor just turns and lampoons it into the net" and "Celtic's Balde is really well named - not only is he bald, he does not have a hair on his head".

Last week, during Chelsea v Barcelona: "Damien Duff, the man from Bally . . . bunion". When you Ballyboden people write to Tommy to complain don't be too harsh. Ballyboden/Ballybunion? Sure, you'd struggle to tell the difference.

David O'Leary's week

"I try and do the best I can with what I have. I ask the fans to stick by us."

- On trying to do the best that he can with what he has.

"I'm grateful for the support I've had from day one and I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have."

- On trying to do the best that he can with what he has.

"I've come and tried to do the best with what I've got and tried to play as attractive football as I can with what I've got."

- On trying to do . . . you get the gist.

Quotes of the week

"How could they not know? It's not chewing gum. Doping is like making love - you need two to do it, the doctor and the athlete."

- Michel Platini, responding, with a touch of scepticism, to doping denials by Juventus.

"He's having an indifferent time . . . people are shouting 'Useless de la Cruz' at him."

- David O'Leary on Villa fans expressing slight doubts about Ulises de la Cruz's ability.

"Barcelona must knock Chelsea out for the good of football. The Chelsea way of playing is clearly results above everything else. I only pray Barca are loyal to their mission of playing beautiful football."

- Johan Cruyff, presumably sitting in a darkened room since Wednesday night.

"All we need is one goal, then that will be it, we will have struck gold. That will be enough to see us through and I intend to score it. I will make them pay for not buying me. Mourinho will be forced to regret it. He should have realised I am better than so many Chelsea players and he will pay a heavy price in being knocked out of the Champions League."

- Sammy Eto'o. Err.

"If Milan were able to win in England then we can do it in Italy."

- Manchester United's Gabriel Heinze. Err.

Feminine features

You'll remember FIFA president Sepp Blatter got himself in to a spot of bother last year when he suggested that female footballers wear tight shorts to make the women's game more attractive. Well, Sepp, we reckon, would be suitably impressed by the recommendations made last week by Ria Ledwaba, head of the South African Football Association's women's committee.

"They need to learn how to be ladies," she said of the South African women's team, "at the moment you sometimes can't tell if they're men or women. Obviously, they can't wear skirts on the pitch but they will be given outfits made for women, with female shirts that are shaped for breasts."

The noise you hear is Sepp purring in the background.

Mourinho gets shirty

When Football 365 put this T-shirt up for sale, with the description "I'm The Special One", we'd hazard a guess they delivered the first order they received to "J Mourinho, Stamford Bridge, London, SW6 1HS".

More quotes of the week

"We were the only team that wanted to play football. Chelsea going through is a disaster for football. And if this team wins the Champions League it would make you want to retire. With so much money and so many players, what they do is not football. Mourinho is shameless."

- Barcelona's Samuel Eto'o, taking that defeat by Chelsea rather well.

"It's true when you see me out on the pitch you do not often see my teeth, but it's not because I'm upset with anyone. When I've scored I think about the ones I missed."

- Thierry Henry, looking on the dark side of life.

"When I was in the Irish squad I used to score goals like that in training. Big Quinny would go in goals and I'd toe-poke shots past him like that. Of course I was no Ronaldinho."

- Tony Cascarino (on the Brazilian's wonder goal against Chelsea). Stop chuckling at the back.

"I think I must have run over six black cats since I've been at Wolves."

- Glenn Hoddle, revealing himself to be a serial cat killer.

"It was like Jesus walking in to a room."

- A Liverpool fan after Rafael Benitez accepted an invitation from supporters fans to join them in a German bar the night before the game against Bayer Leverkusen. And on the Second Day Rafa took Liverpool in to the Champions League quarter-finals. Truly, a miracle worker.

Holding out for Ranieri

First Claudio Ranieri. Then Bobby Robson. Now Kevin Keegan. No wonder our "Quotes of the Week" section is donning a black armband, it's been banjaxed by the departure of all three from their managerial positions. If Jose Mourinho and David O'Leary pack it in then quotes of the week will do the same.

The only good news we got last week came in this quote from Ranieri: "At this moment I recharge my batteries, I go on holiday and then . . . why not to come back to the Premiership? I like English football. I lived very well in England." And "Quotes of the Week" lived very well while you were around, Claudio - make it a short holiday.