Planet Football

Buyers fall for no diving band: By all accounts you're just not a happening dude/chick this weather unless you're wearing one of those wristband thingies. You'll remember Roy Keane's recent comments about the phenomenon, when he said "there was all this stuff about anti-racism and anti-bullying, it would be a good idea to start wearing wristbands for anti-diving."

Before you could say 'entrepreneurial spirit' someone had 'No To Diving' wristbands up for sale on eBay . Last we looked the price had reached £72 for 10 of the things. Nope, we just don't get it either.

Not so civil Rice

Back in 2001 a Liverpool newspaper paid tribute to Paul Rice, Tranmere Rovers' match video commentator, declaring he "has no time for the professional virtues and niceties of football commentary, he calls it as he sees it, or rather as he feels it." Fast forward to 2005 and Rice proved just how little time he has for professional virtues by describing Colchester's black midfielder Neil Danns as a "w** head" during a commentary. Sacked, naturally. "It was stupid and I regret it," he said, "but it wasn't meant to be racist, it was a reference to his hair style. I even had my anti-racism badge on." And Ron Atkinson even had a black vicar once.

Quotes of the week

"The balls don't help the goalkeepers - they go left, they go right, it can be difficult."

- Jerzy Dudek, the Liverpool goalkeeper, making no excuses after that mishap against Bayer Leverkusen.

"He was 18 when he discovered crisps."

- Martin O'Neill slanders former Celtic goalkeeper Stewart Kerr. Seventeen years without cheese and onion? Absurd.

"They should shut the hell up. They know where I live, they should come and see me. Get real, we're QPR, not Chelsea."

- QPR manager Ian Holloway after fans booed his team off the pitch, probably for being as entertaining as Chelsea.

"You have to celebrate the triumph of football over an indigestible and paranoid iron curtain vision of the game."

- Spanish columnist Julian Ruiz, of the Marca newspaper, kind of viewing Barcelona's win over Chelsea as one big step for mankind.

"My role, as the admiral of a large vessel that must stick to a definite tack, is to ensure we fend off winds that could blow us off course, and successfully ride the high seas. We have 12 matches left, so that's 12 potential storms to navigate."

- Ellen MacArthur on her recent voyage? Na, Marseille coach Philippe Troussier on the race for the French title.

Laudrup: the next generation

You know you're getting old when . . . Mads Laudrup signs professional terms with FC Copenhagen. That'd be Mads, son of Danish legend Michael, now manager of Copenhagen's chief rivals Brondby. Hard to credit: Mads was three years away from being born when Daddy scored that wonder goal against Uruguay in the 1986 World Cup. And 1986, incidentally, was the year young Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel was born. Give it a year or three and Denmark's team-sheet will probably have a spookily familiar look about it.

Bridge voters swinging it for Roy

Hearty thanks to Ronan, Pádraic and Feargal for alerting us to the email campaign to have the new Wembley footbridge named after, eh, Roy Keane. Were we juvenile enough to follow the link you provided (www.lda.gov.uk) to join in on this mischievous campaign? We nominated early and we nominated often. Our conscience was eased somewhat when we read that 90 per cent of the 80,000 nominations so far have been for non-English players, with the Scots in the lead with Jim Baxter and Keane battling it out with Wales' chief offering, Scott Gibbs, the rugby player.

Bearing in mind Ireland's record in these rigged poll larks we remain confident of success (although word has it the killjoys will veto unsuitable suggestions). Remember the Wolfe Tones' A Nation Once Again winning the BBC World Service's online poll for the world's favourite song (jeez, Bohemian Rhapsody only came 10th)? And Peter Canavan giving Jonny Wilkinson a run for his money in the 2003 BBC's sports personality of the year poll? And, of course, Ronnie O'Brien holding off the Pope, Nelson Mandela and Albert Einstein to win Time magazine's Person of the Century poll. It'd make you proud.

More quotes of the week

"I don't know enough about Mourinho to say whether he is a sore loser. But you have to trust these referees because they are supposed to be the best."

- Alex Ferguson, renowned for his unquestioning trust in referees.

"On the second goal our defenders looked like the dummies you use in a training session who can't jump up."

- Bayer Leverkusen manager Klaus Augenthaler, who would have liked a little more movement from his rearguard in the 3-1 defeat by Liverpool.

"I was guided towards Rangers by God and he has lifted me up since I got to the club."

- Defender Marvin Andrews, alleging that God is a Blue.

"I used to clean the toilets at Chelsea . . . so I'll go potty if I lift the Cup."

- John Terry, as quoted by the Daily Mirror before yesterday's League Cup final. Eh, do you think he REALLY said that?

"The referee was inefficient. It was an adulterated result."

- Jose, get over it: Barca beat ye.

Lips service

Naughtiest comment of the week: "Says David about Cruz Beckham: "He's gorgeous, healthy and his mum is very good so we're a very happy family. He's got Victoria's lips and nose." Well they had to turn up at some point." Football 365? Hang yer heads.

Neighs have it

"Former Rangers keeper Lionel Charbonnier has revealed his secret ambition . . . he wishes he had been born a horse," read the rather startling opening line in a Daily Record story last week. Alas, all Lionel actually said was "when you look at a horse's muscles you can tell it is built to run - and I would love to be an athlete like that".

These days Lionel divides his time between being a racehorse trainer and director of football at his home town club Poitiers. We can't claim to know much about the players at Poitiers but it sounds to us like auld Lionel is unimpressed. "Horses don't care a damn about their appearance, the bets placed on them and the prize money on offer. It won't alter what is in their nosebags. The good thing about horses is that they don't vent their complaints in the papers the next day." True enough, it's not often you, eh, see 'Kiss and Neighs' in the tabloids.